Thursday, August 09, 2007
Oh geez... I'm getting a little worried. I took alli for the first time today with lunch. I didn't bring my lunch today so I decided to grab a ham and swiss on ciabatta from Freddie's. It looked healthy... it wasn't dripping in dressing or anything. So, after popping my little blue pill and scarfing down the sammich in its entirety I decided to plug it into my nutrition tracker. Needless to say, I'm deeply disturbed. Something resembling what I had for lunch on the Schlotzky's menu had about 30 grams of fat in it. According to my little bottle, in order to avoid "treatment effects" I should not exceed 15 grams of fat in a meal. The suspense is killing me. I've never listened to my body quite this intently before. I will refrain from defining treatment effects since my fat pen-pal doesn't really exist and I already know the definition. This morning was a toughy too. Last night we went out for half price apps and beer. I always wake up starving after a late fattening dinner. I wonder why? Is it that evolutionary "store fat when in abundance" mechanism? Does that even exist? I dunno. All I know is that I had a vita muffin and a nutrigrain bar before 10 this morning and it took everything in my being not to mow on pop tarts until lunch time. I made it though and I'm feeling better now. Man when I'm in a stumble I'm in a "fall on your face" kinda stumble. I'm trying to refocus my energy and regain some motivation. The constant self loathing is still there so I'm trying not to exert any added energy to that aspect of my weight loss attemp. Speaking of self-loathing. I was happily sipping my beer at the bar last night when, out of nowhere, a group of early twenty-somethings sat down on the other side. I was instantly self-conscious. Why did their boobs have to be so perfect? Why did they have to have perfect bodies?... and complexions?... and teethe?... and hair? And why did I have to be out with my man when I witnessed this freak-show of unfairness? C'mon God, spread the wealth. Not that I'm not grateful for all the gifts in my life, it's just that, at times like those, you forget you have any gifts, and the gifts that are still recognizable are somehow no longer as fabulous as once thought. Ok Ok, I'm ready to start taking myself more seriously. At least I'm ready to get ready. Wish me luck fat pen-pal!