7,000-8,499 SparkPoints 7,001

Doing well but...

Thursday, August 02, 2007

I'm going crazy! I've been staying within my calorie range, usually at the lower end of the range, and swimming like mad. I lost 8 Ibs, the same 8 Ibs I gained the week before, and I was so happy. Then I went to my therapy session and asked my therapist for help with binge eating. I told him that I think I binge eat because it causes a surge of chemicals, just like it does for other addicts, drinkers and druggies, and he said I was right. Binging does cause a surge in opiates. I suggested that perhaps I needed a drug that is like an opiate and he said no, I need a husband. That being in a relationship provides those same feelings as binge eating. Now, that's not the first time he's suggested that I should start dating again (It's been over 14 years since I quit). It's just, it hit me hard. So, what did I do? I went to the grocery store and bought fruit, veggies, and icecream. LOTS of icecream (it was on sale). I came home and ate 4 icecream bars in a row. That's over 800 calories in icecream! Now, I managed to get control of myself after that and not turn it into a full out binge including chips and dip, but I wanted too. Plus, while I was eating the icecream, I was upset and angry and I think he's ruined icecream for me. I dont' know what he's thinking. He's a nice man, and he's helped me so much, but to suggest I find a man? He sees what I look like. Even if I wanted to, which I don't because I have trust issues...even if I wanted to, what would I do? Go down the street, pick a guy and say "Hey, wanna get married? I need the chemicals only you can provide?" Geesh! I'm over 100 Ibs overweight and there's no way I could attract a decent man. I couldn't even attract a decent man back when I had a great body. Yeah, I know there's way more to me than my looks, but even that is iffy. I've got problems, baggage. Plus, I don't think I could cope emotionally with a bad relationship. And that's all I've ever had; bad relationships. Very bad. Which is why I quit. I feel like screaming! Aaaaauuughhhhhhhhhhhhh!
OK, well, if anyone is reading this, thank you for letting me vent!
Have a nice day,
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