Thursday, August 02, 2007
I'm going crazy! I've been staying within my calorie range, usually at the lower end of the range, and swimming like mad. I lost 8 Ibs, the same 8 Ibs I gained the week before, and I was so happy. Then I went to my therapy session and asked my therapist for help with binge eating. I told him that I think I binge eat because it causes a surge of chemicals, just like it does for other addicts, drinkers and druggies, and he said I was right. Binging does cause a surge in opiates. I suggested that perhaps I needed a drug that is like an opiate and he said no, I need a husband. That being in a relationship provides those same feelings as binge eating. Now, that's not the first time he's suggested that I should start dating again (It's been over 14 years since I quit). It's just, it hit me hard. So, what did I do? I went to the grocery store and bought fruit, veggies, and icecream. LOTS of icecream (it was on sale). I came home and ate 4 icecream bars in a row. That's over 800 calories in icecream! Now, I managed to get control of myself after that and not turn it into a full out binge including chips and dip, but I wanted too. Plus, while I was eating the icecream, I was upset and angry and I think he's ruined icecream for me. I dont' know what he's thinking. He's a nice man, and he's helped me so much, but to suggest I find a man? He sees what I look like. Even if I wanted to, which I don't because I have trust issues...even if I wanted to, what would I do? Go down the street, pick a guy and say "Hey, wanna get married? I need the chemicals only you can provide?" Geesh! I'm over 100 Ibs overweight and there's no way I could attract a decent man. I couldn't even attract a decent man back when I had a great body. Yeah, I know there's way more to me than my looks, but even that is iffy. I've got problems, baggage. Plus, I don't think I could cope emotionally with a bad relationship. And that's all I've ever had; bad relationships. Very bad. Which is why I quit. I feel like screaming! Aaaaauuughhhhhhhhhhhhh!
OK, well, if anyone is reading this, thank you for letting me vent!
Have a nice day,