Monday, July 30, 2007
Have joined a gym - yeah! So far, I love it. However, weighed in today and had gained. It seems so hard to get all the pistons firing - all at the same time.
Also, had a dr appt today. Seeing the dr's scale results was so hard that I was crying in the exam room before he even came in. I think I scared him! He didn't have great news for me either. Nothing tragic, just no help w/ some chronic pain except for the possibility of more surgery - which set me on the path to my weight gain to begin with.
So - I'm really frustrated and trying hard not to be depressed and hate myself. This battle in the mind is so much harder than doing physical exercise or turning down that peice of cake. I have been so tempted to eat out of spite for myself, but instead I carefully tracked every bite, and now I'm going to get the kids settled and head off to the gym.
I doubt anyone will read this, but it's cathartic to write it. Getting all the horrible thoughts swirling in my head out might help. Certainly couldn't make things any worse.
All in all, I have to remind myself how many victories I've had in my lifetime. How happy I am to have my children and husband alive and well. How none of this matters as much as I think it does. Hopefully, I will gain success in this area. If not, maybe I can learn to come to grips with it and not be hate who I am.