Something nearly miraculous happened this week. Six friends from high school, including myself, all committed to taking a week long trip to Nevada/Utah in May! It's something we've talked about doing for more years than I'd like to count. Some of us have even managed to take shorter trips here and there with a few members over the years but this will be the first time that all six were willing and able to commit to a trip! Just the "girls", no kids, no husbands. In the story of our lives, it's kind of huge deal. Most of us have been friends since middle school or even earlier and with our 5th decade looming on the horizon, who knows if we'll ever get to do it again.
At first I was elated, caught up in booking flights, choosing a house to rent in the Utah canyons, agreeing to spend our last night dining on the Las Vegas strip to appease that one friend who insists that we have at least one dressed up night out! I am so not a city girl, and not very girly either so that sort of sounds hellish but we love her so of course we agree.
And then, like someone has dumped cold water over my head the joy gives way to the realization that I have 60 short days left before we leave, two months to undo all the horrible ways I've let my body and health get out of control. It's so much easier to ignore those things when you can hide at home. And so panic sets in. And even before I've packed a thing, I'm mentally comparing myself to my thinner, healthier friends who don't have to think about such things. I'm already worried about not being able to keep up when we hike, or the embarrassment of having to fiddle with the seat belt on the plane or not being able to find a damn thing to wear to our girly dinner because nothing fits right.
And just like that I'm looking for an exit plan. The tickets are booked so I can't back out completely but maybe I can get "sick" and just hide in the house the whole week. It's a beautiful house, it's not like it would be a horrible way to spend a week. Or I could tell them I had to bring work in order to get the time off and "as soon as I get this one last thing done I'll join you for the next hike -promise". That might work, right? Maybe. More likely one of my friends would likely call BS and I'd be left hating myself for lying to them on top of everything else. So I spend the next hour of my life searching google in hopes of stumbling across that magic solution that we all know doesn't really exist.
And in the end, when I've exhausted myself from the panic induced mental rollercoaster ride, I remember that all I can do is keep doing what I came here to SP to do in the first place. Make small gains in the right direction. 1% better each day, that's what I promised myself. So in 60 days I'll be that much healthier than I am today, that much stronger. That's all I can do and it has to be enough.
Someone please remind me of that along the way because I'm sure this won't be the last time I dissolve into a basket-case before that plane takes off!