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    NATIVITY4ME   9,841
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A Blog Entry From NATIVITY4ME

i feel like i need therapy...i cried again last night, for NOTHING! i have NO idea what set me off, or WHY i felt so overwhelmingly sad...but i did, and i cried, and just sat confused about the emotion. nothing was in my mind, nothing was upsetting me, i wasnt frustrated, or even emotional, but i started to sob...somethings wrong with me. i need therapy.

this is deeper than self esteem, this is core...and i need help figuring out what it is... its not as simple as saying pick yourself up, brush yourself off, start all over again, i AM A FOOD ADDICT, and i feel trapped by the disease.
asking me to just think differently, or look at it in a different light, is like asking you to hold your breath....until i tell you to breath again, we all need oxygen,
and...we all need food...

this addictions prolly the hardest to beat, because you cant STOP eaing...you HAVE to eat...just to survive....

but with THAT aside, somethings still inside me, upsetting me....

perhaps its the weather, im not sure...i do get depressed alot when the skies get all dark and gloomy, and its been raining here alot (for which i am thankful, oklahoma needs the water) but it messes with my emotions...

i get extreemly sleepy, tired, worn out in that weather, and i never go out in it...it just drags me even further down...i try to sleep it all away, hoping to wake up and be a brighter, cheerier person again....

today (right now anyway) the skies have no darkness, its not exactly bright and sunny either, but the emotional place im at isnt depressed for now....there is the prediction of more rain over the weekend tho..**SIGH**

i expressed to hubby thru tears last night that i feel, i HAVE to attend an OA (over eatrers Anonymous ) meeting i HAVE to say it outloud, to claim it, make it mine..OWN IT!

if i dont go there i sugested id need therapy, with a counselor, psychiatrist/psychologist...so
meone on na professional level to determin if i need medicine for this depression oir not....it seems to only severly arise when the weather is bad....

this isnt me beating myself up, degrading my sense of person, this is reality, im not denying it, im trying to face it and quite frankly, it scares me to death to have to stand before a group of ppl and say...

"hi, my names michelle...and im addicted to food"

when i rehearse those words in my head, it causes me to feel embarased, and ashamed and overwhelmed with guilt...causing tears...
and i thought the whole idea to express it outloud, to take ownership of it, to make it yours was to...feel LIBERATED...

i just have to go...fear set aside, i have to go, i have to face the demon, i have to charge fully ahead and fight this beast, ill die either way, fighting to conquor it, or letting it control me one way or the other.

MICHELLE
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SASSISPRING 6/25/2007 5:22PM

    Clarification: I meant to say that I took the first level of antidepressant (Eflexxor 37.5mgs) and didn't increase the dose. I was on it for one year. I reread what I wrote and it was confusing, so just thought I'd clarify here.

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SASSISPRING 6/25/2007 5:18PM

    Hi, First on the other blog - I deleted a friend's post one time too. It's easy to do because the buttons are close together. I just laughed it off because it happens, so no worries you deleted my post. You got what you needed and that's the main thing. If I had come in and saw it gone, I would have known that you accidentally deleted it. :) Second, the depression is natural process. It means that you are attempting to move through all your issues, however, you move into depression because you get stuck. (not just you, anyone with depression) Depression is the feeling of hopelessness and usually comes on when one is struggling to overcome adversity. It's like a car going through bad roads, then *bang* gets stuck in the mud. Either the driver can bang the steering wheel and curse, or get out to create change, get that car moving again. It's the same with our lives. Either we can remain stuck or we can create change. It's not easy. Depression can also be chemical and when overweight, our hormones as women get all messed up. There is suppression of one type of hormone and increase of another and then, the more weight you are, the more the hormones get screwed up. You need a really good physical exam including blood tests and OA. It may mean that you don't get medication for the depression or it may mean that you do. You won't know until you know what type of depression you are dealing with. Even with antidepressant, you have control. When I went on an antidepressent due to high anxiety with driving (related to deaths in my family and my boyfriend), I only took the first dose - the most minimal amount one could take. It helped me to calm down my body's reaction to imaginary trauma and allowed me to work with my therapist through the deaths. Therefore, even if you do take an antidepressant, you can monitor how much and it may even allow you to work deeper on your own personal issues. The weather isn't affecting you, its the perceived notion that when it rains, you will "rain" too. It may be the lack of VitD from limited sunlight. I'd definitely advise talking with your doctor about all this, getting really good blood hormonal workup, get on board with OA even if its through the net (for now) and find a good therapist. Even in the USA there are low cost or free therapy, its simply a matter of searching (try a woman's centre or shelter - most will provide counselling free). Please accept my ((((hugs))))). Take good care ... oh and tears from the soul have cleansing qualities, so go ahead and cry. It truly does cleanse the soul. :) Friends, Bev

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NATIVITY4ME 6/24/2007 6:37PM

    jean, no, i dont feel you belittled me...its all been very helpful, and i thank you for that! sometimes we need rational shoved in our faces to see things thru the proper eyes. im 40 years old and not alot shocks me or upsets me anymore by anyone elses doing. i am what i am because i allowed myself to become like this. i MUST and HAVE to take ownership of this issue, if i am to overcome it. i am telling the world all of this, because the world seems to want to know. and to some degree, it is therapy to express it and release it and allow others to want to share, and/or assist/help. for that i am also grateful.my days are great if there is little bad wearther on the horizon, or if there be bad weather, it passes with a quickness, otherwise, if i am sitting in a home thats gloomy and dreary, my emotional state and attitude seem to be triggered by the rain, dark clouds, and grey skies overhead. but i am also greatful for the rain as well, for OKLAHOMA needs it pretty bad. i myself have a quote that i try to remind myself when the days get bad and i want to crawl under a rock and sleep it all away: "you have to go thru the rain, in order to see the rainbow" its simply a reminder that we all face trials in every situation, and if we get thru them (enduring to the end) we are rewarded....MICHELLE

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JEANKEARNS 6/22/2007 5:27PM

    Michelle
I hope you don't feel that I have belittled the pain that you are feeling right now. From your blogs, I can sense that you are really and truly struggling and I do not think that just saying pull yourself up and dust your self off is going to solve things. But I do want you to see that there is hope. Your struggle is not hopeless. You are not hopeless. Don't give up.
If you feel like you need therapy you are probably right. If you have the means to seek it. I would like to encourage you to do so post haste.
Again, if OA is something that you think you need, do yourself a favor and don't put it off. You may feel embarrassed but everyone it that room will have faced the same struggles and embarrassment that you are currently facing. Struggles draw people together. You could forge some lifetime friendships that will be the bonds that help you break free of your addiction.
Look for every window, every little ray of light in that darkness and then go for it.
I'm praying for you.
As I've also said for my own hometown, "I wish it would just rain at night and be sunny during the day." I hope the sun comes out for you soon.

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