Monday, June 11, 2007
This is the blog I put on myspace that prompted my cousin to tell me about Sparkpeople. Thanks Jenn!!
How did I get so FAT???
Current mood: discontent
Category: I hate mirrors!
Goals, Plans, Hopes
I'm gonna talk about something that really bothers me. That is my weight. I used to be sooooo skinny that people used to tell me I needed to eat more. Now I look like I ate everything. When I was in high school my measurements were 36, 24, 32. I didn't think so at the time, but I was in great shape! No wonder I had so many boyfriends. As I got older, I put on a little weight, but not much. Before I had Brady, I weighed about 120, but still looked great in a bikini. The day he was born, while I was still in labor, I weighed 170. But I can't really blame it on baby weight, because I lost almost all of that within 2 months, and was down to 130ish.
I think it was a combination of things. 1st, when Brady was about a year old, I had to have surgery to remove a tumor from a bone in my finger. After the surgery, I was under strict orders not to pick up anything that weighed over 5 lbs. and no exercise at all. Prior to that, I rode my bike to work everyday, and went for a mile walk every evening. I put on a few pounds then. I had to go up a size in my jeans.
The next thing that happened, Jeff & I got together. I think it's normal to put on a little weight when you get married, but I put on a little extra. You see, I had been a vegetarian, and had a basically fat free diet. Jeff is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Now, I love meat and potatoes. I tried to not eat the stuff I cooked for him, but it was just too hard. I love food, and it smelled so good, that I gave up on being a vegetarian. Sorry Peta.
You combine all of that with turning 30 and having the natural metabolism slow down that women experience in their 30's, I became really fat.
Now, I know that there are people out there who are bigger than me, and I don't in any way mean to offend you, by calling myself fat. It's just the way I perceive myself.
My hubby hasn't helped much. He can eat anything he wants and not gain a pound. So, he does things like bring me ice cream, or he buys donuts as a "surprise". I loooove Krispy Kremes!! He doesn't understand if I get irritated with him for it. He thinks he's being nice.
Here's my theory on that: He is either secretly into big girls, or he is insecure and trying to ruin every diet I've ever been on because he's afraid that if I'm thin someone else might find me attractive, and I'll leave him. I hope that's not true. He always tells me that he doesn't care what I look like. I know he means well, but that's bullshit. I care what I look like.
probably the biggest problem is, I have no willpower. The only reason I was able to be a vegetarian for so long is that I stayed away from temptation. Now it's in my face 24-7. I have no willpower. If there is ice cream in my fridge, I will eat it. I will probably eat all of it because I will feel guilty for eating it in the first place, and then eat more to make me feel better, which will just make me feel worse. It's a vicious, disgusting circle.
Exercise. That would be an obvious answer. I can't afford to join a gym. I can't afford to buy exercise equipment. I was walking a mile a day, but I had to walk part of that on the highway, and almost got hit a few times. Also, part of the walk is on a backroad. No traffic, but I had a weird looking guy drive by me 3 times in one walk and stare at me the whole time. I realize I'm not the most attractive person these days, but deviancy knows no bounds. So I'm a little afraid of walking now.
(my husband just came home from work. he brought me a chocolate shake)
Of course, there's also the fact that I'm just plain lazy. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to change the way I eat. I do, but I don't. I want to take a pill that melts all of the fat away in one day. They haven't invented that one yet.
I keep saying that this summer I'll do something. That when school starts again, I'll be so thin that my kids won't recognize me.