Tuesday, September 02, 2014
Well, I've been away from here a LONG time... longer than I realized... kind of shocked that my last post was in fall 2011, yes that is THREE YEARS ago. Some things have changed (we bought a house, child is in middle school, I've gained 20 pounds) and other things haven't changed (Ex is still a nightmare; I still self-medicate with procrastination, avoidance, and internet surfing; still missing a sense of Vocation about my work; still tensions with partner over presence of Ex, parenting styles, and midlife stuff).
On Sunday, Partner and I walked The Dish (3.5 miles, rolling terrain with some uphill stretches that I find very difficult). We also walked to and from it (1 mile in each direction), so a total of 5.5 miles. We were out from 3:30-5:30 pm, hottest part of day, ~80 degrees, and i was MISERABLE... I usually have a hard time on the first climb and then gradually warm up and get in the groove, but Sunday I never got there. And we were talking about all the super-stressful things in our lives, and I just felt so full of anger and hatred and despair. I tried to take it out on the hills... trudging up the hills in the hot sun felt like a perfect externalization of my inner life, just trudging and feeling exhausted and angry and never getting any sense of momentum or peace.
I've been thinking too about how my main "peace" is when I'm self-medicating on the internet, avoiding things and killing time. My recent insight is that self-medicating tips over into self-poisoning.
So today (Tuesday) I had this strong desire to walk the Dish again, by myself. It was earlier (11-12:30) and nowhere near as hot, ~70 with cooler breezes. It's about a mile away, so I rode my bike there instead of walking. I listened to Wozzeck on my iPod and it was PERFECT. (Not peppy exercise music, but it suited my mood, and walking let me be totally absorbed in it... also I was digging the contrast between the hysterical, terrible, claustrophobic music/drama and the California landscape!)
I used the Stopwatch feature on my phone to time the segments of the walk... breaking it up mentally made it feel more "do-able," and it also helped to see that the longest uphill is under 7 minutes (even though it can feel like an ETERNITY).