Sunday, August 24, 2014
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...:
St. Mom's Wort -- Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen -- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics -- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin -- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..."
Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all -- Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin -- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Ragaman -- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Dog Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."
A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.
After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?"
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!"