Just a little bit deeeep and maybe a bit negitive, my life...
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Hey there Sparkies, it has been a while since I put virtual pen to paper. And did a blog, and I have almost done so a few times. It has been a very changing year in so many ways. With ups and downs, new job that came with so many emotions. Which I told you's about the bullying, there's been the gossip mill. Me facing my trumatic childhood with going back and working in and facing this environment. Where I work is just like stepping into my younger shoes when I used to visit my treasured long lost and dearly loved mum. My mum lived in a place like I work at and this time I am seeing everything from another angle. How the residents get cared for,how their life is dominated by rules,routines,their very existance is done on a timeframe. A routine, how they are in other peoples hands. Their home is an institution that is monitored by staff. People who look after them,change them,dress them, feed them. And some of the people are a little bit independant. My mum was like the ones who were very dependant on the workers care. She couldn't dress herself,or get herself off to the toilet,feed herself,she couldn't stand,or even use her arms. Or see, she couldn't see. So it has been very much a mixture of emotions working here. I'm not saying that the residents get treated badly at all. I can guarantee that when I am around no person that I am going to work to care for will be treated wrongly in my presence. Looking back on being a child going to see her sick mother and learning through seeing other sick people I learned to care. Nobody taught me, I saw vulnerable people and I became like an advocate for the underdog. Any kind of underdog, even ones that I shouldn't have been there supporter. Now as a middle aged adult, much older than my mum lived to be I am seeing things and amongest them from this angle. And I have worked in a hospital before, I worked where my mum lived.I began working there not long after mum died. I even worked in the ward mum was in, which was to say the least-odd. I didn't work on the caring side, I was a kitchen assistant. And when I worked in mum's ward I manned the kitchen myself there. I survived my childhood by blocking things out that I couldn't deal with. And so much of my childhood was not easy. It was in my fourties with my soul searching , blogging and a very helpful online friend that I began coming out of my shell, by beginning to let loose some of my past hidden sadness,truama,abuse. In the form of writing. So, in a sense it is like reentering the lions den of my hidden past that I am facing my demons(some of them)when I walk into my work. Anyway, when I began this blog this wasn't the angle I was going to go in. But, when I write I can express myself in a way I can't in verbal communication.
So off the subject cause I know it is deep, and sometimes in other blogs I have said parts of this stuff. But people who have not walked in the shoes of another person can't always comprehend how wounds can last a life time. And no matter how other people can wonder why some people carry their past with them. The past sometimes haunts us, scars can be unseen but be so much as visable to the one carrying them as they are invisable to the onlooker.
Anyway, I turned fifty. And it is so much a milestone for me. I love being fifty, I have not reached my health goals I set myself. I am on a mission to achieve them though. I am still working towards getting back to my spark page ticker. I am working on it,and have now set myself the goal of being under 100 kilos by christmas. Which is just over four months. There is no reason or excuse to stop me achieving it. I am totally on a mission and I am going to make this part of my life be a time to change so many things.I have never learnt to drive a car, that is something I may consider in the next year or two. I need to have my eyes tested, I am going to do that. My health of course is number one on my list and that means getting in shape. I am going to get in shape. I am going to work on that inside and out. I am still in need of counselling, and I am going to look into that. I am going to get there.
For my fiftieth birthday my kids went to so much much effort to make sure I had a great time. My son goes to amazing levels for his ole mum. He is a huge inspiration in what and how he achieves things he sets out to do. I had a lovely day, it was last Saturday. My family and best friend came over and we had a nice little get together. Me and the kids partied on-for the next two days, it was great. I am sorry about the deep,negitive past stuff. It is a part of me, and a few years back I wouldn't have said a word,or blogged I was a quiet person consumed,lost in her own quietness. I probably looked like a "jolly fat person", so many people comment how large people are so happy. I am not a person who fits into any catorgories , I am a no conformer. My smiley face hid what I hid from myself. It helped me get to where I am now.
I hope everyone is okay and I have been visiting spark people daily. I am glad to see lots of Sparkies sticking to there goals, and working towards their achievements. And lots who are still working at it and will get there by never giving up. Determination is so important and so is perseverance, getting our minds in the right place.