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A very hard blog to write - why I'm walking away


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Monday, August 18, 2014

Hi,

Most of you probably don't know this but I'm in a horrible place mentally, right now. I've never one to be overly anxious but these past few months have seen my anxiety levels reach unprecedented levels. My psychiatrist and I have delved into this and I told her my stomach feels like a huge knot and I'm no longer finding joys in the very simple things life has to offer.

Yesterday, John and I, drove to a very secluded lake. As each mile passed under the truck's tires and the scenery changed, I could literally feel some pressure lifting off my chest. We reached the beach, ate handfuls of wild blueberries and spent well over two hours walking. The only prints on the beach were of moose, caribou, geese, dog and ours! Louisa swam forever and Maddy and Ginger chased the sand pipers. When we turned to walk back a caribou calmly walked out of the woods followed by a moose who went for a swim. Luckily the dogs were chasing something further up the beach and it was only John and I to witness this.

I was totally content and it was the best day of the summer! And, then we returned home and I saw the sheer number of e-mails and panic set in. The anxiety came back as I even thought about being involved in another challenge in Spark. In fact, Spark itself is causing me great stress these days - probably because I'm not getting anywhere and feel like I'm actually regressing.

I was an extra-leader for the amazing Teddy Bear team during the most recent 5% challenge but I never felt I was good enough. It's like I couldn't get myself organized nor motivated. It was nothing to do with my fellow teammates! They were great!

So, I'm in full fight or flight mode right now. But it's not a question of either or.....I have to take flight as a way of fighting. I have to get myself back into healthy mental shape. I don't want to be back into having to take anxiety medicine every few hours or sleep medication because I'm too stressed for sleep. I'm fighting hard to keep the briefest glimpse of suicide from entering my way of thinking,. Trust me, I've been there before and I've learned a few coping mechanisms.

One of those mechanisms is to step back and see what is truly important for my well-being right now. I need to focus on me. So, it's for that reason I'm walking away from most or all teams at the moment. I really don't want to leave SparkPeople but I have to view it as a tool and not something that makes me feel so bloody anxious.

Stay in touch and thank you for respecting my decision,. I know some of you might never understand mental illness.

Susan
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TBONE40 9/1/2014 7:31PM

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MRSRIGS1 9/1/2014 6:37PM

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COACHSANDRAAULT 8/27/2014 8:31PM

    First PRAYERS!
Second.... if you are even thing about suicide you need to see someone, now.
Third, lack of sleep and stress will set your weight loss backwards.

So sit back and reassess your life. Time to make some changes. :D
That I really can't help you with......except to listen. :D I am good at that. So if you want to chat ..... I am here. I am a stranger.....so no per judgement. :D
we can chat on here of FB. I am on both. fitness.coachsandra@yahoo.com
fo
r FB.

Prayers and Blessings being sent to you

Sandra

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GRASSHOPPER65 8/27/2014 4:06PM

    emoticon First Things First

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IREN0169 8/27/2014 3:50PM

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LADYAMETHEST 8/27/2014 3:46PM

    Do what you need to do. I have PTSD So I understand. I can have issues just leaving my home. emoticon

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BEEANDHAM 8/27/2014 3:21PM

    emoticon emoticon

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HAWTGRANNY2014 8/27/2014 3:18PM

    I wish you all the luck in the world. You take care of you and do what makes you feel best. Spark will be here if you decide you can come back. Take time to relax and have some fun.

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ANDCOWSFLY 8/27/2014 12:46PM

    Wishing you well! I understand the anxiety that comes from social media, and that is what SparkPeople is. It can help you and it can hurt you and you should never stick to anything that is not helping you.



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SPEARGIRL 8/27/2014 11:57AM

    You are doing the best thing for yourself. I hope you can find joy again. Sending love and light your way....If you need anything i am here. I have been on that cliff too. You just need to sit down and breathe.
Love,
Jessica

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TWEETCREEK 8/27/2014 11:46AM

    You know best. Good for you for being so observant.

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SOXYINMO 8/27/2014 6:45AM

    emoticon
You have to do what's best for you!

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GRANJERRY1 8/27/2014 2:18AM

    emoticon Take care and you must do whatever you feel is right for you. emoticon

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THEVOW2013 8/26/2014 10:33PM

    good for you I thank God for my mrntal health

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LITTLEPENGUIN17 8/26/2014 10:29PM

    Sending love your way. Keep taking care of yourself x

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RENE176 8/26/2014 8:37PM

    You are doing the right thing. I agree with the other comments that you are not walking away, but just taking charge and stepping forward. Sparking should be fun, not anxiety producing. You are both smart and courageous to make this change. Hang in there!

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LIVINHEALTHY9 8/26/2014 8:22PM

    So sorry you are having difficulty with anxiety.
You need to take care of and do what's best for you.

It does sound like the beach was a nice relaxing day.

Take care

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NHES220 8/26/2014 7:54PM

    If you are not enjoying it and it is overwhelming you - step away. You have to do what works for you. My daughter suffers from anxiety and people do not understand it. An anxiety attack is an awful thing. She does not want to take medication at age 22 for the rest of her life so I have her working with a therapist and it seems to be helping. I wish you the best! Take care of yourself.

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BEACHLOVERMIMI 8/26/2014 12:57PM

    In order to take care of others we must take care of ourselves. All to often we do just the opposite. Take the time you need for you, because there is no other you. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you and yours.

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JAXMOMMY 8/26/2014 12:33PM

    Hi Susan. I totally understand. I had to back out of some of my teams too. I'm only active on the teams that offer me the support I need. The teams where I have made what I consider to be true friends. So, congrats for taking control of your situation! The drive and walk on the beach sounds so beautiful! So peaceful! So natural! Do more of that! You had so many responses to this blog, I sure hope all were supportive! One thing about SP is that you are never alone! Wishing you continued peace, Melissa

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KENANDLER 8/26/2014 11:16AM

  I agree. You have to take mental breaks now and then. It was very brave of you to write this.

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GREEN-EYED-LADY 8/26/2014 10:49AM

    I DO understand mental illness as I have schizo-affective disorder and have been on psych meds for 25 years. You are absolutely doing the right thing to do what is BEST for YOU mentally. I will pray for your well-being. God Bless You.
Valerie
p.s. The beach sounded magnificent. And I love how you write !

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SANDRA_E 8/26/2014 8:02AM

    It's always a great idea to take care of yourself. I think it's a great idea!

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NELLJONES 8/26/2014 7:44AM

    Sparkpoints can be an addiction unto itself. I gave up the push to accumulate points a couple of months ago and went back to using it just to monitor my weight. It is like giving up any other addiction: I feel freer. Congrats!

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MSFROGGIE 8/26/2014 6:02AM

    Never been in the spot you are in, all I can do is give you a long distance emoticon and pray for you.

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COMPCHIC52 8/26/2014 1:50AM

    emoticon

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MRSKATEDUVALL 8/25/2014 11:54PM

    I understand. I have paired down, spending an hour or so tracking, documenting and one or two teams. I can't have any positions of authority, not enough time.

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MTRANCHWOMAN 8/25/2014 5:08PM

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SHKIRK 8/25/2014 4:13PM

  Sorry to hear you are soooo stressed..but whatever helps you cope do it. Take care of yourself. emoticon

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UKNOWITNOW 8/25/2014 2:57PM

  Sorry to hear you are so stressed. Hope that your time away helps. Look forward to seeing you in the future. Peace be with you. emoticon

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SALLY5577 8/25/2014 12:22PM

    This isn't walking away. It is dealing with a horrible situation. Depression and anxiety are such misunderstood illnesses that it is difficult for anyone who has never suffered to understand how horrendous they can be. Take time out and enjoy withdrawing from everything. Give your mind and your body time to rebalance and don't forget there are people all over the world reading your blog and wishing you well.

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LIZLOVEROSES 8/25/2014 11:34AM

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ILOVEMALI 8/24/2014 1:26PM

  take time to care for YOU. We are all here when you come back. xoxo emoticon

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AARDVARK28 8/24/2014 12:16PM

    Take care of you! Hugs!

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CORNERKICK 8/24/2014 3:09AM

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JERICHO1991 8/23/2014 5:59PM

    Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to hearing good reports in the future.

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NANCYANNE55 8/23/2014 12:32PM

    Congratulations for putting on your own air mask before you try to help someone else with theirs!

I can identify with so much of what you are saying. If you read my page, you'll get an idea why. I'm here to tell you that I live this fact: If you take care of YOU first, just as you are doing, you can come back stronger than ever.

It's going to be Okay. Just be true to YOU, and helping others will follow.

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SHELTER-PETS 8/23/2014 5:15AM

    emoticon

You are such a great person;-) I enjoy reading your blogs. It helps me! Take care of yourself. I have to back off sparkpeople too because of class.

I am very happy with the lifestyle changes I have made. I try not to let sparkpeople take over my life.

emoticon







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NASFKAB 8/23/2014 1:12AM

  can understand your feelings do what is best for you hugs & prayers for you

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GEMINICHIK 8/23/2014 1:11AM

    You must do what is good for your well being. Let me know of you want a prayer.
God bless you, God can heal you.

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KATBWIN 8/23/2014 12:34AM

    emoticon I am in the midst of backing up from things,like employment now. I can only hope it is the right choice ro get me back on my feet. the same wish goes to you

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CICELY360 8/22/2014 9:12PM

  good blog

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KANSASROSE67 8/22/2014 8:29PM

    I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I've never been a team leader but sometimes I feel stressed just not having time to respond to friends' blogs and comments. You need to do the things that help you feel good and healthy and whole. Take care, my dear friend.

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WINDYCITYCYNDEE 8/22/2014 6:28PM

    I understand how it is to live with depression, but I don't think your walking away from overwhelming stress is an unhealthy thing. You're taking charge of your well-being and mood. Good luck! You'll come back on your own terms. emoticon

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MSGRANNYMAE 8/22/2014 5:10PM

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GEORGIAK25 8/22/2014 4:21PM

    Susan I hear you and understand you. Taking a step back is a good thing when something overwhelms you. Good luck on your journey. I have cut right back on teams and challenges on Sparks. Although Sparks is a good tool it can become all consuming.

Good luck dear friend.

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DIANESKATZ 8/22/2014 12:46PM

    I respect your decision. And, I do understand mental illness; I am bipolar I. Take all the time you need.
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FORDIE7 8/22/2014 9:17AM

    Best wishes on your decision. I truly understand the anxiety and stress. Many people haven't begun to look at themselves by continuing to seek out others and please them. YES! DO YOU. Congratulations, don't worry about us or SparkPeople.

We wish you the best and all success in staying healthy. Remember, your health is all of you, mind, body and soul. A holistic approach to being healthy is better than focusing on one area.

You go girl! emoticon

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PENOWOK 8/22/2014 7:08AM

    Totally understood. I limit my time in the commuter cuz I need to guard my time, so some things don;t get read until days later, depending on how busy I am.. We have to guard our health in all aspects. Come back when you can.

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HAPPYINHK 8/22/2014 1:27AM

    Such a wise decision. While I respect the words you are using that they are probably reflecting your feelings. I just wanted to share that when I read your blog I kept thinking 'she is not walking away' and you are not, you are walking forward and maybe even a step back and that is fine, but you are so clearly not walking away from anything. You opt for rest and a stress free environment, that is so not a reflection of 'walking away' that is choosing 'life' and opting for what is really important.

It is truly inspiring how you write about this and as I am someone who has suffered from depression it is indeed very brave how you have put this in writing. Remember that you are an inspiration for many out here, but you are not obliged to be inspirational. You have every right to move forward, even if forward means 'away' from SP.

Take time and rest and I hope you feel better soon.

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