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A very hard blog to write - why I'm walking away

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Monday, August 18, 2014


Most of you probably don't know this but I'm in a horrible place mentally, right now. I've never one to be overly anxious but these past few months have seen my anxiety levels reach unprecedented levels. My psychiatrist and I have delved into this and I told her my stomach feels like a huge knot and I'm no longer finding joys in the very simple things life has to offer.

Yesterday, John and I, drove to a very secluded lake. As each mile passed under the truck's tires and the scenery changed, I could literally feel some pressure lifting off my chest. We reached the beach, ate handfuls of wild blueberries and spent well over two hours walking. The only prints on the beach were of moose, caribou, geese, dog and ours! Louisa swam forever and Maddy and Ginger chased the sand pipers. When we turned to walk back a caribou calmly walked out of the woods followed by a moose who went for a swim. Luckily the dogs were chasing something further up the beach and it was only John and I to witness this.

I was totally content and it was the best day of the summer! And, then we returned home and I saw the sheer number of e-mails and panic set in. The anxiety came back as I even thought about being involved in another challenge in Spark. In fact, Spark itself is causing me great stress these days - probably because I'm not getting anywhere and feel like I'm actually regressing.

I was an extra-leader for the amazing Teddy Bear team during the most recent 5% challenge but I never felt I was good enough. It's like I couldn't get myself organized nor motivated. It was nothing to do with my fellow teammates! They were great!

So, I'm in full fight or flight mode right now. But it's not a question of either or.....I have to take flight as a way of fighting. I have to get myself back into healthy mental shape. I don't want to be back into having to take anxiety medicine every few hours or sleep medication because I'm too stressed for sleep. I'm fighting hard to keep the briefest glimpse of suicide from entering my way of thinking,. Trust me, I've been there before and I've learned a few coping mechanisms.

One of those mechanisms is to step back and see what is truly important for my well-being right now. I need to focus on me. So, it's for that reason I'm walking away from most or all teams at the moment. I really don't want to leave SparkPeople but I have to view it as a tool and not something that makes me feel so bloody anxious.

Stay in touch and thank you for respecting my decision,. I know some of you might never understand mental illness.

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