I did a blog like this back in July. The difference between a blog like this and my "regular blogs" is that I am uncensored... I am always honest on Spark with ALL of my blogs... but I am also very aware that I am writing a BLOG for lots of people to see. So I might leave out certain things that might come off wrong or that are too personal. So when I do these uncensored things, I just share EVERYTHING. These blogs can be a bit jumbled, but sometimes it helps me to just put it all out there. Right now I am still struggling with the habits, but also with a lot of negative talk. So forgive me in advance if this blog is a total mess. You may want to skip it and come back to my regular scheduled programming in the future.
One thing that I have noticed lately, is that my life is not any different after losing 90 pounds. I think years ago, I thought losing the weight would "fix everything". If it was my "only problem" in life, then everything else had to be
's if I could just lose the weight. That thinking was so far off base. When I restarted Spark in March of 2012, I finally realized I had to throw that thinking out the window. Losing weight would make me a healthier person, it would make me a smaller person, it had the potential to make me a more active person (not having to lug around the weight was a great incentive to move more), but that was about it. Everything else about my life is pretty much the same. Losing weight didn't make me "happier". I used to have this internal dialogue that would replay in my head... it would say "I will be happy when I lose this weight". There are several things wrong with that thought process, the most alarming is that I WILL be happy when I lose the weight... sort of implying I'm not happy now. Or not allowed to be happy til I lose the weight. I deserve to be happy now, not later. I deserve to be happy fat, skinny or in between. Losing the weight could add to my happiness, the fact that I am proud of losing the weight is definitely a positive, but it wasn't going to make me some happy-amazing person with
's shooting out my tushy.
So I think that is something I am trying to settle into. I lost 90 pounds, I am sure proud of it... but I am the same girl in a smaller body with smaller clothes. I am happy about the health benefits, but I have to be happy for me because I want to be happy. The same things that got me down or made me sad still make me sad... even the weight loss stuff.
I will tell you that I really do struggle from time to time with being upset about my body. I am being open and honest with you here... It is really hard to lose all this weight, to work so hard, and still be uncomfortable in your own body. My arms are jiggly (not that bad all things considered), my thighs are uncomfortable, hangy, saggy and just a mess. My tummy is very uncomfortable, it hangs, I get sweaty underneath it and in all honesty it is truly a hazard physically and emotionally. Now before you say "don't be so hard on yourself", I want you to know that I don't think about these things constantly. But I do get down from time to time knowing what I put my body through. Gaining all this weight comes with some consequences, mentally, physically, and health-wise. I can get down to a nice "normal" weight, but I will never have the body of a "normal person".
At 28 years old that can be a hard pill to swallow. I am fortunate enough that I can afford to get a tummy tuck, and I plan to do that October of next year. That is the thing that bothers me the most, and I truly believe it is a necessity. If I don't have it removed, I know the hanging skin will cause rashes and sores. So I am grateful that I will be able to do that. But that does not mean that I won't be left with many reminders of the weight I have lost.
So just being honest here, that gets me down from time to time.
The last 2 things that have been plaguing me recently and in the past is... my mind still likes to think I'm 200+ pounds. I was 205 pounds at age 18, so even when I tell my coworker my weight, I often start with a 2, "Oh, after Vegas I'm back up to two-eighty... I mean one-eighty-seven." My mind has not fully caught up to it yet, and I think that can make this journey even harder at times. There is a lot of research that says your mind can take a couple years to get caught up to the changes your body has made. The transition isn't easy, and it seems to be a long one.
The other thing is that "slippery slope" mentality. I am up about 6 pounds from Vegas. Anyone else would say "it's just 6 pounds, I'll work hard and get it back off and move on." The
in my mind says "Wow, you gained 6 whole pounds in a week?! That is awful. That is just a stones throw away from gaining 60 pounds back. Why wouldn't you gain back the weight you lost? Every single time you have lost the weight you have gained it ALL back, plus more!"
That is what I have messing with my head right now. I know that 6 pounds gain doesn't have to result in gaining back 90 pounds. That's not logical, and it is quite a huge leap from 6 pounds to 90 pounds... but in my mind sometimes it feels like they are just right there. Like in a week I could wake up at my starting weight.
Again, I know that it's not rational, but sometimes it takes a lot of strength and courage to shut those voices down. Logically I know that I can get these 6 pounds off, that I am not going to gain all my weight back (I refuse to let that happen), that I can get back on track, one day at a time. I know that this is just a bump in the road and that I have had many and that I will eventually get past it. But sometimes this stuff is hard! It can be such a battle internally and there is nothing worse than feeling like you have to battle yourself, or in this case my inner fat girl!
So there you have it, Steph-knee Uncensored: Volume 2! It wasn't pretty, and some of the stuff in the deep dark corner of my mind are far from
's, but it is a part of my journey and a part of what I am dealing with at the moment. I know this "blah time" will pass and that things will look up again. That i will get back to working hard and get the scale dropping again, but sometimes when you feel blah, the light at the end of the tunnel can seem a little far away.