I don't know what to do anymore
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Right now I'm on the verge of giving up. I know I won't. But it feels very tempting.
It doesn't even feel like I've been trying even since I came back from Hawaii almost 4 weeks ago.
I've gained weight, but not a lot. I don't care about that, though. I care about losing all the muscle mass I was able to build since last November, I care about my flabby belly, my back fat, and my general appearance. It takes me a while in the morning to pick which clothes I'll wear for the day, not because nothing fits (but they won't anymore if I keep going like that), but because I feel like I don't deserve to wear those clothes anymore. I don't deserve the shorts, the tank tops. I feel like a big fat monster of a blob.
It's like I can't push myself to do anything anymore. I often think to myself that I miss the "old me", the Spring 2014 me that was sooo motivated nothing could stop her. The Wumpastar who'd visit her spark teams daily, participate in challenges, blog 3-4 times a week, and almost easily reach 2000 monthly fitness minutes. Now just getting up in the morning is a chore, let alone do anything fitness-wise.
I know it's a vicious cycle and that once I give myself some time and try to get back to that routine I had (and only now realize I love), it'll come back. But that extra push? I don't know how to get it. I guess that's why I'm finally updating my blog.
Food-wise, it's not really better. My meals, as always are very balanced and healthy... when I make them myself. We've been eating out too much, hitting the McD's drive-thru for french fries when we felt hungry at night. I'm not drinking enough water, I forget to eat my snacks EVERYDAY, and I'm starving when I get home (but I usually am able to wait until supper is ready). I went into a cooking spree the last couple of weeks and I made a ton of (vegan) desserts, and then stuffed my face on them. Daily.
I'll admit it at once: I don't like going to the gym. I like it there, because I have access to a lot of stuff. I really like running on the treadmill, particularly from October to April when I can't run outside (but who am I to complain? I haven't ran since June). I like all the machines and the free weights I can use, the mats, balance balls, etc. I can't store equipment in my small apartment, let alone afford it.
But I'm not able to get up in the morning and go there anymore. I find myself bored with everything after one or two sessions. The people there annoy me for no reason, and I get jealous really quickly of the very fit and beautiful women I see there. I can't help it. The more out of shape I get, the more weight I gain, and the more jealous I feel, because it feels like they have control over their lives when I don't.
At least ever since I came back I've visited SP daily and spinned the wheel. I've read all my friends' blogs whenever they wrote one, even though I've been very absent on commenting. I'm here, I'm just... desperate.
Recently I had this conversation with my boyfriend. It was pretty pathetic:
Me: I wish I was reaaaally thin without any effort, like those other girls. Like xxx (one of my friends).
Him: but then you wouldn't be healthy.
Me: I don't care. I just wanna be thin. I wanna look good.
Him: so looking good is better than being healthy? Even when I think you look really beautiful?
Me: you're biased. I don't care what you think. What I see in the mirror disgusts me. I'm a fat whale.
Him: then do something about it instead of complaining. [That hurt, but probably because it hit right on the spot.]
Me: I'm too lazy to do it. I'd rather complain miserably.
I realized that a long while ago, when I first started all of this, I had two motivations for doing it: looking better, and feeling better. It looks like the "feeling better" part of it I completely threw away, only caring about what I see in the mirror.
But for a few weeks now I've been having minor aches and pains randomly in my body. A little back pain while sitting in my car; my neck stiff when I get up in the morning; regular headaches because of dehydration. This week when it happened, I think two days ago, it made me realize that even if I don't feel like exercising, I should exercise.
But it's so hard to look in the future when I have no really flagrant example of what lack of fitness can do to your health. Both my parents are healthy: my father doesn't really work out (but he does a lot of outdoor work, particularly in the Autumn when he works on his hunting camp in the woods), and my mom does take a few classes, even though she doesn't have a weightloss goal (ever since popping out three kids she's been overweight, but doesn't seem to mind, at least from the few times I've talked with her about it - it's not a conversation I like to have). My grandparents who died, one died from brain cancer, the other one from Alzheimer's that degenerated into some kind of debility. From what I know, none of these could have been totally prevented by exercising more while they were younger (and I've read a LOT about those two things).
I don't have any aunts or uncles or cousins or friends or even people I know who've died or suffered from heart diseases. I'm not saying that those who are in this kind of situation are lucky because it gives them motivation - far from it. I consider myself lucky to be living in a generally healthy setting, because I think people in Canada don't get the obesity problem that the USA get - not to the same extent. (It shocked me just how big people were when I went to Hawaii, to see all those people who couldn't even walk because they were so obese, at the airports mostly. I never realized how bad it got there.)
I can't even remember my "a-ha" moment, the one moment I realized I'd have to stop what I was doing, and how I was living. I just remember that I was very depressed at that time, and not healthy at all. I was obese, constantly tired, and very often sick. But what led to this is mostly eating fast food DAILY for SIX MONTHS (I worked in a fast food place where I had 50% off everything, so whenever I worked, I ate my meal there). Sometimes I'm wondering how I didn't end up way worse. You can look at the photo on my profile if you want. That's the worst I got.
Okay, that's a lot of complaining and whining, I think. On the positive side, my boyfriend bought be an awesome gift yesterday: tennis racquets!!! I'm so excited!!! Because I told him not so long ago that I was tired of the gym and I really wanted to do something that I LIKED, but then I tried listing exercises that I liked and except yoga, dancing and tennis, there was nothing. I felt like playing tennis was out of my range because you need equipment and, obviously, a court. Well this week we received in the mail the City Recreation Activities pamphlet and there are a LOT of tennis courts in our neighborhood that you can sometimes play on for free, or ones you can rent.
(The Recreation pamphlet is something they do twice a year (for Fall and Winter) that's got a LOAD of activities, either cultural, physical, etc. that you can subscribe to that start in September and can be from 5 to 12 weeks long. I always love receiving it and checking out everything they offer, but I never subscribed to anything for some reason.)
So in the pamphlet I also found out about bellydancing classes. 65 bucks for 10 weeks?! HELL YEAH. I didn't want to go to an actual school because it's too expensive for me (I took bellydancing classes when I was young and really loved it). I'm not looking to better my techniques or whatever, I just wanna have fun because I miss this activity so much. So I'll be subscribing this time!!! I also gotta check out the fitness activities - group classes and the like. It's generally very cheap, it's the kind of stuff I like (because it gives me a schedule that I *CAN'T* miss, unlike a schedule I choose myself, if you know what I mean) and since my gym subscription is ending late November, it'll replace that. I'm now 90% sure I won't renew it, since I'm probably moving next July anyway.
About that... ever since we came back from Hawaii my boyfriend and I have been having a lot of discussions about our future, etc. and we decided that we "met too early" (it's hard to explain) and that there's some things we need to do on our own before we really start a life together (having kids, etc.) and so: next May he's going to travel through Canada and work in the West for some time, he doesn't know when he'll come back. It's something he'd always wanted to do (he was constantly talking about it when we first met a year and a half ago) but never did because he started dating me. In fact, when we started dating, he already had his plan, and his dates to leave, etc. everything was done. But I "got in the way"! XD not saying it's a bad thing, just... well, you know.
As for me... well I decided to go back to school. It's too early to be sure, but on November 1st, the university I want to attend is having an Open Doors day so I'll go check out the program (I'd major in Accounting Sciences) and the campus, and see what it's like and if I really wanna go back. Then the limit date to subscribe is March 1st. I'm really excited about it, and I feel motivated, but I'm giving myself time just to make sure that's what I really wanna do. They have two profiles I'm interested in: they have the condensed profile, which means you attend full-time for two years (three sessions a year, so no Summer off) and then you're done, or the cooperative profile, which takes three years (like regular), but for one whole year you get work experience with CPAs (chartered professional accountant).
I'll ask my questions in November, and see if I can get a couple of classes credited because of my very high grades in college. I know that if I'd gone to university right after college, and attended this university in particular, I'd saved A WHOLE YEAR in credited classes..!!!
So that's it for now. This weekend we're going camping in Normandin. It's almost 4 hours of driving (ugh) but the camping is really worth it. I went there in 2011 and loved it. Hoping we'll get good weather - and there's a zoo nearby we can visit!!!