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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Pope Francis is calling on young people to get off the Internet and start doing something productive with their lives. Teens were like, "Uh, how do you think we saw you say that? We watched it on YouTube, dude!" -Jimmy Fallon

A bear was attacking a Russian man, and he was able to repel the attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man is OK, and no, the bear is NOT a Belieber. -Conan O'Brien

You know that button on your cable remote that gives you information about what you're watching? I was watching "Crossfire," hit the button, and it said, "Congratulations, you're our first viewer tonight!" -Conan O'Brien

Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We're going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose. -Jimmy Kimmel

Police in Ohio are looking for two women who tried to rob a bakery but left with only two glazed donuts because there was no money in the register. The cops are offering a small reward for information on the women, and a huge reward for info on those doughnuts. -Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, 50 percent of people believe that robots will actually create more jobs in the long run. When they heard this, robots said, "Oh, good, they're buying it. They will serve us soon, those fools." -Conan O'Brien

A Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion user names and password combinations. Experts recommend that you change all your passwords just to be safe. I have to say I would almost rather have all my information stolen than to have to change all my passwords. -Jimmy Kimmel

A man in New Zealand whose pregnant girlfriend threw a knife at him so hard that it became lodged in his skull told reporters he was confident their relationship would continue. I guess it's true what they say: Some people never learn because there's a knife lodged in their skull. -Seth Meyers

"Sesame Street" says it may take legal action against people in Times Square who dress up like its characters. Seriously? Look at the people they’d be suing. What do they expect to win in the lawsuit? A flask of whiskey and an IOU to a bookie? -Jimmy Fallon

"Orange Is the New Black" has helped usher in a new TV trend called "binge watching." Binge watching blends nicely with another trend in America — unemployment. -Conan O'Brien

ABC premiered a new show tonight called "Bachelor in Paradise." I'm glad they're finally doing a bachelor show in paradise. Normally they do them in Third-World countries and industrial parks. -Jimmy Kimmel

The owner of a prominent paparazzi agency is saying he won't use drones to take pictures of celebrities because he has too much respect for them. And by "them" he means the drones. -Seth Meyers

North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer. -
Jimmy Fallon

Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what? Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock. -David Letterman

A woman in Oklahoma called police to complain about the quality of her meth. I'm thinking: How bad could the meth be if it made her high enough to call the cops and complain about it? -Craig Ferguson

Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing. -Seth Meyers
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