Wednesday, August 06, 2014
I've had a lot of anger in me for a long time. I've been angry at my parents for various mistakes they made in the past, ones that I felt hindered my progress and had a lasting impact on who I became as an adult. I've been angry at Husband for all kinds of things. I've been angry at former friends who turned out to not be the greatest friends in the world. I've been especially angry at Husband's family for the many years of abuse and ostracization they put me and my family through ("my family" being me, Husband, and Daughter). As a result of all this anger, I have put up a multitude of walls around me, both literally and figuratively. I've blocked people out of my life in every way that I can. I've blocked people on my phone and on social media websites. I pretend I don't see them when we're out (whether they see me or not, I just pretend I don't even notice they're there). I have even created a wall of fat around my body; unknowingly made myself physically unattractive, subconsciously hoping that my extra weight would keep people away from me. It's all worked.
"Worked" is such a funny word to use to describe it, though.
I'm at a point in my life where I have very little, as far as people. That has been both a blessing and a curse. While it's nice to be away from drama, I've also not really been around people. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED at this point of making new friends, or allowing anyone, new or old, to enter or re-enter my life. I have been so badly burned that I just have what feels like a primal, feral response to people. I just don't want them around. I guess I've turned into a bit of a grinch.
However, I'm not really like this. I'm not a nasty, spiteful, grouchy person. But I think I'm becoming that. I think I could easily turn into one, and that it could stick, and just get worse and worse over time. I don't want to be that way.
I'm trying to learn about forgiveness, and about letting go of anger and resentment. It's not easy. I've been telling myself for years that I wanted to put everything behind me, but now I really and truly feel like I can. I don't know what happened. I don't recall there being any specific change, or moment of clarity. I've just been thinking about it for some time now, and it just boils down to this:
I'M TIRED OF BEING ANGRY.
That's it. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be full of bitterness and pain and sadness and anger. I'm not suggesting that I'm going to walk up to the people who've hurt me, family or otherwise, give them a huge hug and then become best friends with them. But I am wanting to lay everything down, once and for all, and WALK AWAY FROM IT.
I just need to let it all go. Right now, I'm honestly full of anxiety and stress, but for the first time in a long time, I feel a little hopeful. I feel like, one way or another, through forgiveness or merely acceptance, I will be able to lay things to rest once and for all.
I undeleted my SIL and my nephew from Facebook. I accepted my niece's friend request that she sent me ages ago. I sent that same nephew another request. I just thought it would be easier on all of us to just part ways, but they're just kids and I wouldn't want Daughter's aunts to be deleting her from Facebook, no matter how mad we were. I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone at the time, though, I really did. But perhaps maybe that was a mistake. I'm sorry for that and I'm trying to rectify it and make it right...at least "fix" it a little bit. Somewhat. I just don't want those walls to be up anymore. I really don't expect anything to come of it, but I needed to do this for me, but also for them a little bit. I just wanted to take down some walls. For me anyway, that's the first step in me being able to move forward. I need to just be able to forgive and forget. I'm learning that doesn't mean saying everything is fine and we'll act like nothing ever happened. It's just releasing that person, and yourself, from the prison of anger and resentment.
I so badly...so very, very badly...just want to let it all go. It'd be great if we could all be a family again. But right now, I'd just settle for some civility.