Monday, August 04, 2014
I have been on my fitness program 11 days. I have fallen off twice already , mostly due to my closest friend, chronic depression. The one truly reliable thing in my life. I can always count on it coming back. ALWAYS. 40 years now. It is nice to know something can be completely relied on. At this point, who would I be without it? God told me once that I will have it to the end. He said, "It is useful to us," meaning him and me. I daresay it is a bit more useful to him than to me. God thinks differently than we do. But that has given me some comfort, to remember He said it is useful to us. He must have some purpose for my life planned to say that. So I like that.
I am learning in this spark program to be realistic about who I am and what I can do and cannot do. I already see that a 30 streak of anything for me is recipe for failure, and I have cooked up enough failure in this lifetime. So I think will manage my streaks by simply going as long as I can with them. Thats the idea, anyway, isn't it? That way I cannot fail with a streak. I will always succeed.
FAILURE. What does it mean? What does that word mean? In my life, I cannot see that it means anything at all. How can you fail at your own life? Who are you comparing yourself to? What can that possibly mean? Nothing.
Perhaps it is time for me to give myself permission to be alive. Every life has to be valid, uniquely and totally valid. Nothing else makes any sense. I have a right to be here. Why? Because I am here. The magic of life is within me. I remember my childhood, many rather wonderful miraculous days off playing in the woods, when I woke up every morning excited to be alive, could not wait to run outside and climb the hill, climb a tree, go on an adventure in the woods. One day I discovered quite by accident the sun dial! Stuck a stick in the ground and came back around noon and saw that the shadow of the stick was going around the stick, like a clock! Boy that was great. I could read the time by looking at the shadow of the stick, just like looking at a clock. What a moment that was for me. i will never forget it. I knew I had discovered something momentous and wonderful!
I knew back then instinctively that I had right to be alive. I don't know where I lost it, but I want it back. I have a right to be here. I have a right to be happy. I have a right because God says so. I do not have to apologize.
Life should not hurt. If life has hurt me, it has wronged me.
I have a right to be here. Life is MINE. It is mine. And I claim it.
When life hurt me, it wronged me. I REJECT that. I do not accept it. It happened, but it was not right. It was wrong. I have a right to reject it.
I am free. I am still that little girl that is free, and I have a right to do anything today that makes me happy.