Monday, July 28, 2014
The end of the year is gaining on us.... But I've been gaining weight and losing fitness in 2014.
I'm between 290-293, up from my lowest in 2012 of ...I don't even remember what my lowest weight was. :-/ Oh wait! I had shirts made. I know at one point I was 245. The thing is that between 245 and 275, where I hovered while I maintained my -100 pounds for a few years wasn't mentally very difficult for me.
I haven't been at my -100 pounds benchmark for more than a couple months this year. It took awhile for my muscle mass to drop, and I think the increasing body fat % made up for it until I bent down and realized that it's almost as hard to tie my shoes at 292 as it was at 375+, my highest.
And now 292. (Edit: Nope. 298 per scale this a.m.)
It's hard to let that accomplishment, that milestone, go. It's hard not to be able to say to new people that I've lost 100 pounds. 20 pounds make such a difference that I no longer automatically think that I've lost more than 80 pounds because I'm still focused on what I've gained. And guess what? It doesn't make me motivated to go walk. It doesn't assist me in choosing healthy foods, or getting enough sleep, or reducing my stress. Not a big surprise.
That's not how I lost 135 pounds. I need to accept this chapter of my story, and move forward.
I got some workout bras this weekend, to overcome one of the challenges and limits of gaining the weight and decreasing lean muscle. As it turns out, I got them in the same size as the largest bra I own and was wearing - probably at least 1 size too small, because I didn't realize I had stretched out that one.
That's a little bit of a wake-up call.
Before my divorce, I took solace in some Spark Messages I got from women I had admired, so much so that I laminated them. They pop up every once in awhile, hidden in my wallet, in my purse, with receipts... Just, everywhere. I know they're supposed to be private, the messages that come with goodies. But here's one of my favorite.
Another chime in the wake-up alarm. When I wonder why my breathing is so hard or why I'm hurting so much, or why I can't find anything that seems to fit, I remember that I haven't been exercising consistently in a long time. I can't blame other people. I can't cry over not having a workout partner any more. I can't let myself keep having pass after pass after pass on accountability because I work so many hours. All of the 80 pounds I still have lost, those first 80, were from when I was stressed, and working long hours, and unhappy.
I chose to move. I chose to stretch. I chose to live. And I wasn't so much focused on what came before or what was to come, I was just working on feeling better in the now.
That is my goal.
I could be at my previous weight goal by next year with an average loss of 1.5/week.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
you can do this! you inspire me and you have never given up! keep on moving girl!
760 days ago
We know what you're going through,
and You know that we're rooting for you...
772 days ago
I was having a hard time with starting over in May 2012. It took me 20 months to get my head back in it. I had a wake up call after we did Irongirl in December. I felt so embarrassed and sad that I had gained weight back. As soon I got home I just started moving and tracking my food. I didnít even change my eating habits that much, but exercising made me feel better about myself, which in turn eventually motivated me to improve my eating. Finally, when I stopped dwelling on the guilty feelings I was able to let go and move past it.
You are a strong woman. I know you can do this again. I try to think of re-losing as another opportunity to learn about myself and the missteps that led to weight gain. This is a life long struggle that we will constantly have to work on. You already have so much insight on losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle.
Remember how good it feels to take care of yourself. Miss you! If you ever need anything or someone to talk to I am here for you friend.
780 days ago
OH POOP!!! I HATE, HATE, HATE IT WHEN MY LOST POUNDS FIND ME AGAIN!
But usually, it's because I've stopped moving....
Nuff said. We gotta own it and start MOVING FORWARD AGAIN!
NEVER GIVE UP.
NEVER GIVE IN.
786 days ago
You gotta just keep trying but the advice I pass out here because I think it is important, is to get to the real issue as to what is holding you back to losing the weight or as I call it the "brain weight"...I have lost and regained weight so many times in my life I can't even tell you but until I really got down to the nitty gritty I knew that I would not be successful.
I used to live in San Diego and I never thought of working out as "working out" because it is so beautiful there, the weather is perfect, I walked every where I could and the work out became secondary. Once you are trapped in 110 degree weather you don't realize how great of an exercise canvas you have until it is gone! Baby steps is all you need and get out there an breath that ocean air, or take that hike or walk in the neighborhood because you can!!
Keep chugging along, I know you can do it!!!
789 days ago
Ohhhhh Jocelyn, I feel you girl!!!
It's hard once we have climbed a challenging mountain, and then take a tumble, to take those first steps to climb it again, but we can do this... and maybe even go further this time!
I too lost quite a bit of weight in 2012-2013, and was feeling good. I got married, and then gor pregnant (very happily of course) and although I didn't get to my heaviest, I gained quite a bit of weight and many inches back.
The weight just was not coming over after the pregnancy, and nothing fit, my pregnancy clothes were too big, my pre pregnancy clothes were too small. It was very disheartening.
I had to do a re-start on May 22nd, and I will tell you : the single biggest thing that has helped me lose pretty consistently week-week has been staying in my calorie range, and accurately and faithfully tracking and meauring my food and calories.
I haven't been as active as I'd like, but I am going to start making fitness another priority, but the good news is, that even without the extra fitness I have been losing weight, fat and inches. I know more results are coming. I have heard and read many times that weight loss is 80% nutrition and 20% activity. But of course activity is also good for many things, energy, stress relieve, heart health...
It sounds like you have reasoanble and sensible goals, and you may be surprised that you start to surpass them. The aerobic condiioning will come back as you keep up with some exercise, and it gets easier with each 5 lbs lost. I remember when I first started exercising at my heaviest, I found it difficult to motivate myself to workout, it was difficult...but as my conditionig improved and the extra weight came off, I started to enjoy it more and more, and I started to see and feel the results frm my workouts.
I am so happy that you regained your motivation, and I am here to support you- along with the other Sparkers!
You are a beautiful person, and I know this is a difficult journey, but you have overcome alot, I know how difficult divorce can be- but it is so true it does get darkest before the sunrise... Your blessings are coming!
Keep in touch!
790 days ago
If we do not quit, we will get there eventually! Just do the next best thing...you can do it! You did it once, you will get there again and beyond. Totally believe in you!
790 days ago
Hey sista!!! I'm in the same boat right now. Moving 4ward, is the only way to go. I'm carrying the extra weight and it shows not just in my clothes but my confidence. Ive haven't lost Hope. The pilot light is just a weak flicker, but it's On.. Hugs to you my friend
790 days ago
I hope you get your groove back soon. I know how disappointing it is to gain back lost weight. It feels harder to lose than before :( Happy trails, my friend!
792 days ago
I know how hard it is to admit the regain. I'm so glad that you have the strength to face it. I know you can do it again girlie!
792 days ago
Comment edited on: 7/28/2014 6:19:19 PM
Your post touched me because I've been in your shoes. I lost 100 pounds in 2010 and then gained it all back. I'm down now 115 so I was able to get motivated again, but it's really hard to own up to what you're doing to yourself WHILE you are doing it. I know so many of us have slips or detours on our weight loss journey. Just stop beating yourself up about it. It's fabulous you are still down 80 pounds and go from there. The healthy habits will feel familiar and I think you will surprise yourself how easily you slip back into the healthier lifestyle once you get started.
As far as not having the workout buddy... you weren't doing it for him originally so you definitely don't need anyone now. I have to tell myself that whenever my husband is tired and won't go walking with me. I have to be able to do this on my own, even though it's nicer to have a partner. I can't depend on him always being willing to exercise with me so my motivation has to come from within.
792 days ago
I have faith in you, Jocelyn!!
793 days ago
Your strong and determined!! You rock and can do this!
793 days ago
You can do this (again).
793 days ago
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL . IF I AM GOOD WITH MY DIET THEN I'M BAD WITH THE FITNESS PART. BUT I AM NOT GIVINGG UP.
793 days ago
I spent the last part of 2013 gaining. It is hard after that wake up, but it gets better. Find your routine. Brush your teeth. Stretch. Walk. However you need to do it. Recently my motivation to get out and walk has wavered because my sweet walking buddy (my dog) passed on the 4th. She is missed but I choose to walk anyway. And every day it gets easier. I go a little faster. Each day may seem like a mountain, but the next day it will be one more success to check off! Keep at it!
793 days ago
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