Sunday is the 25th Anniversary of my Mom's death.
In years past, depending on how life was going, my siblings and I would have a really crappy week right before the anniversary date.... it would fluctuate between all of us who would get the crap end of the stick that year ( like last year, it came and went and I barely noticed) but for some reason, this year is a doozy for me.
Neck ache that won't go away.
Little things in daily family life with people I absolutely adore, basically bugging the crap out of me.
Me constantly holding my tongue so I don't spew my random negative thoughts at people about something they do that pisses me off - why make trouble when, seriously, this too shall pass. Creating an argument is not really what this is about.
If it passes and it still bugs me, and I am in a better state to calmly discuss...then that is when I have to address it.
That is where I am at this week.
I know why....it just has to pass. It's taking it's frickin' time passing though and that is just another source of irritation...like a burr under a saddle.
Thank God today is Friday.
BUT (and there is always a but) Saturday is when Hubby and eldest leave for Boy Scout Camp and I get to coordinate and finagle the other 2 with being a working mom. Not used to that one, so I have to call in the cavalry for assistance with morning reading work shop and karate and football.
Saturday is all about hanging out with other people (birthday parties and such), so that will be a nice distraction....then Sunday is the anniversary and mass and a brunch (I think).... and then the single-mom fun begins on Monday.
I should have enjoyed the early July quiet more I guess.
But there is the other thing: I did enjoy it, and I got some serious much needed self-care in that week...and the trouble really is when I have the family around and distinguishing when I should/can/would/could get that same self-care in when they are around. It's not like we are doing anything all that great anyway, and they are old enough to take a walk and keep up now, and would like to spend the time as well...but I want alone time for that sometimes and alone time for me = mom guilt when they are around. Total catch 22 in my head that I have to work out because this is not going to go away. I work 9-5, they are my family...this needs to be sorted out for health/sanity's sake.
Eww...that last paragragh was a nice bit of purging.. but true nonetheless.
Probably really should get the calendar out and plan things.... that is what needs to happen. If it's on the calendar, I tend to do it. Same thing with the extra business stuff -- if it is not on the calendar, I don't do it. Bad thing....easy solution... so why don't I do it?
Because all I do is schedule things (it's been my life's work for the last 20 years if you think about it) and when I am home...I want a break from that...but that is fantasy, not reality. Reality needs both. Scheduled and non-scheduled things. Order amongst the chaos.
Love how blogging clears the head....maybe today will be a better day than the last 3 now that it's out.