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    HAWTGRANNY2014   22,871
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I am forcing myself to look within and find the whys

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Ever since I had all those health problems hit me at once..I am afraid. It is silly. It was about 4 years ago now but I limit myself instead of pushing through. I am careful about telling hubby, I am going after the mail so if I don't come back, come get me...even though he couldn't.
I am so afraid of every little thing that I need to stop it. Part of my overeating is from that too. On the outside...I took it well but inside it scared the heck out of me. They must have told me several times, it was a wonder I didn't die from the infection surgery and then again when I had those two cancers. I just realized how fearful I really am. I have been taking a long look at myself and all those things and I thought I was doing good and for awhile I was...but it all seems to hit me. I think because of everything my hubby is going through,...it is a chilling reminder of what I went through and how fragile life is.
It is so scary.
I know I need to work through these problems to become normal again and break this food
addiction.

All the insecurities and telling myself...I am who I am..but I don't like me some of the time. I am trying to pull myself out of there and I know I am a miracle and that I am worth it...but my mind sneaks in those little phrases here and there...why are you worth it? What have you done to deserve being loved. You have made a lot of mistakes and done some things in the past that were not right. But , I tell myself, I am not like that anymore...I am a good person. I do believe that. This is not a blog to get compliments...just to show you that your mind can play tricks on your thinking....no I am not crazy and hear people talking to me lol.
Food is my way of comfort ...of feeling good...but that is just so wrong. The more I eat...the more I gain...the more upset and ashamed I feel. I am reading the hunger fix and it is bringing all kinds of thought out of me.

I know I need to work through these problems to become normal again and break this food addiction. I need to bring it out in the open and face it...instead of letting it linger in the back of my mind ..gathering cob webs and waiting to jump out and cause me to overeat again.

I am reading the hunger fix by Pam Peeke, MD,MPH,FACP. It is bringing all this thought out of my head and causing me to focus why? Why am I eating myself into an early grave?

It is hard to face the whys...yet it is what I need...once and for all. It is like coming face to face with the negative inside of you and cleaning it out so you can make it all new. Well I have only begun to scratch the surface. When I get done sweeping and dusting the surface ...then I will need to mop even deeper. I will get it done and hopefully find the why and fix it.

Looking inside yourself is a scary yet enlightening thing to face.

At least I have someone holding on to me so I don't sink.

I have come this far and don't want to go back.

I am emerging from my cocoon and getting to know myself.

I thought I had faced the whys before but not this deeply.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAM60SUMTHINK 8/5/2014 1:03AM

    What you feel is natural, and I love that you are looking at it head-on. Your expressing it is so absolutely healthy!! GOOD FOR YOU, Pam!!

You've stepped back and looked at the whole picture. Now, simplify. Tackle one thing at a time in terms of your goals... because Real Life is crazy now. You are who you are - a wonderful, kind-hearted lady! - in part because of all your experiences, the good ones, the sad ones, the joys, and even the mistakes. No reason for regrets because the result is good. (Says ME, that's who! - Yes, I heard you thinkin'!) And about the eating? You are becoming aware on a new level. This introspection (blog) is a solid sign of serious progress, Pam. Keep digging; don't let yourself become distracted from YOUR needs... your goals. If you're ready to do it, go back to the DietStages and slowly work through the stage (3?) that deals with Habits. Or rework the whole thing. It does help.

YOUR needs are the reason you are on this site!!!
You deserve to give your goals full attention because you ARE worth it!

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L*I*T*A* 7/23/2014 11:37AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LADYDL 7/23/2014 7:50AM

    I like the sign - "Don't look back, you're not going that way!"

emoticon emoticon

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A_RARE_BEAN 7/23/2014 5:47AM

    I couldn't agree more, looking inside and understanding more about yourself is worth the mopping and the sweeping in the end. You have survived and come through so much so even though you do have fear (like us all ) you also have evidence of your amazing strength too! So I know you will come through this part of your journey too, the inner understanding. Best wishes to you emoticon

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GOANNA2 7/23/2014 12:12AM

    Glad you are starting to know yourself. It's a life-long journey.
We need to embrace and love ourselves first and foremost.
You have been through so much Pam. Just try not to stress
and look for the positives, one day at a time. You will get there.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GRANJERRY1 7/22/2014 7:21PM

    You are one strong lady....for sure & definitely looking within is the first cathartic step towards inner healing

May The Lord Bless you & more strength to you emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AJB121299 7/22/2014 6:33PM

    nice

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