Monday, July 21, 2014
I've been feeling down for a while now. I can pinpoint the exact time this hit, and why this time.
I went into Regina to go dancing. It was a Tuesday evening. Hubby was working, so I didn't even bother to invite him. I went. Had a lesson, and danced for an hour. Then came home.
As I was driving home, I realized just how happy I was. My heart was happy.
Then I got home. Hubby and I got into a fight. He's always in a mood when I come back from dancing, but this was a bad one. When he started listing off all the reasons I shouldn't go dancing, I told him enough. I paid for the gas. I drove myself there and back. I didn't ask him for any $$. I knew he would not take time off work to go with me. I told him all of this. I also told him I'm sick & tired of him finding excuses to be upset when I go. Enough is enough. I was tired of him expecting me to give up everything to be here. My kids are too far away. I don't ride my motorcycle here - I don't feel safe and he doesn't want me to. Now he expects me to give up dance? NO friggin way.
So I've been down since that night. I've had a lot on my mind. I've been trying to decide if I can be happy here or not. I still don't know. It's been weeks. I don't think I'll ever know.
Hubby's a good man. If I can't make it work with him, I won't date again. Forget it. It just won't work out anyway.
I've been trying to realize that there may be a way I can be happy here. I won't give up dancing, and if hubby expects that, I will have to go. Plain and simple. But there must be a way for me to be okay with the rest of it. To find peace.
I am not sure I can. I've been trying.
Today my daughter texted me. She needs help. Hubby and I had this fight before. He's not okay with her coming here.
So I guess that's it. I've got to find a place for me to live. If hubby really becomes an ass about it, I'll loose everything I own. I have to start over without a vehicle or anything.
I can't keep doing this. But my kids come first. It's that simple. I may be willing to try to compromise who I am, but if my kids need me, I have to go.
I don't know if I can do this.