Sunday, July 20, 2014
When I saw this quote the first time I did not like it at all, but today I am totally there. What I am fearing the most right now is my son not having an independent future, but today I love that it means it is important to me. However, as this quote indicates, this means this particular issue is where I am not fully trusting God. This message came today after an evening of sharing with two good friends who are also moms of kiddos on the autism spectrum and then two messages this morning on prayer (in class and worship). Before I saw this quote again today I had figured out something about me so I think God's "hammer" was well placed. (I always laugh that He has to hit me over the head with a hammer several times for me to get it.)
What I've realized is that part of my trouble with Isaac is the same old loop called "You aren't good enough." I've heard it all my life in different ways and even though I know that isn't the truth about me, it is easy to fall into. Lately it has been so discouraging knowing that Isaac is choosing to be okay with not putting effort into working on things regarding his autism that he is totally capable of doing (even at the age of almost 10) and then with the additional white lies/excuses about things it has been so frustrating and difficult. So what I've figured out is this has become another "you're not good enough" time for me because I don't know what else I can do/try. When I told Tim about it he said, "You're doing all you know to do and you can't be responsible for his choices." I get it, but when you've lived with the stronghold of not being good enough it is hard to say "I'm okay with it." At least I know a place to begin if I ever get myself to a counselor! So...this day I am changing my prayers and must make myself focus on the fact that I have done what I could and his choices are not a reflection of me whether the outside world thinks otherwise. We all know the world usually isn't even watching! LOL
The afternoon has been quiet for me and that's been wonderful. Maegann was at Dakota's (a friend from church) all afternoon so the rest of us went to Lowe's (didn't find the tools Tim needed) and then to Costco. We bought a year membership and will monitor it to see if it is worth the money or not. They are finally getting more gluten-free options and everyone has been telling me that their meat is better than the grocery stores and now that we don't have a way to raise our own anymore that is a definite need. Better meat & poultry!
Maegann is now swimming with her friend's youth group and the boys are out working in the yard again. More quiet minutes for me!
Tomorrow.... Vet appointment for nail trims (easy now that it is only 5 min. from home) at 10, swim lessons at 11:35 and school in and around those. I think Maegann and I will head to Costco in the evening just to get that task accomplished.