Sunday, July 20, 2014
I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. I'm done battling certain things. I'm tired of the same struggles and frustrations, year after year after year. I'm at the point now where I'm trying my best to just accept things as they are. I'm tired, literally TIRED of trying to change certain things about my life. I just can't fight it anymore, so I have decided to go in a new direction: acceptance.
I accept the fact that Husband is the hardest working guy on the planet while he's at work, paying the utmost attention to detail and producing stellar work. I'm going to accept the fact that Husband is one of the laziest, most forgetful, and apathetic people on the planet while he's at home. I'm always going to have the stress of dealing with it, whether I beg and plead with him to pick up after himself, or finish what he starts, or do what he's promised to do...or not...but I just can't fight against changing it any longer. I'm just exhausted and deflated and completely out of energy. So I accept it. I accept that this is the way Husband has treated me for our entire marriage, and quite possibly how he will be for the rest of it. I give in. I accept it, and will no longer fight to change it.
I accept the fact that Husband has to have some sort of constant, continuous, and unending distraction when he is home. He has always been this way as long as I have known him. Before we were married, he was glued to his guitar and his video games. Then once we got married, it was video games and his DJ stuff. Then later on it was video games and whatever book he happened to be devouring. At one point it was video games and pot. Many years ago, I began calling the Xbox "the other woman." Now he doesn't play very many video games, but that's because he discovered smart phones a few years ago. Nearly every moment he is home, he has that stupid phone up in his face. He watches TV on it, mostly. We'll be watching TV or a movie as a family, and he's got his phone plugged into his ear. I'll be doing something, he'll be doing something, he's got that damn phone plugged into his ear, listening to a show, listening to music, something. He constantly has that stupid phone up his butt. So I have chosen to accept this. It's the way he's always been, and I have been rather foolish to think that over 17 years he would have changed this behavior at some point along the way. I accept that he needs some sort of buffer, some sort of distraction, some sort of something to occupy his mind and his time whenever he is home...something that is not, never has been, and quite possibly may never be, me.
I accept the fact that I can't get a solid, lasting grasp on this weight loss thing. I'm at the point where other peoples' success no longer motivates me. It's just another reminder that I'm doing it all wrong. I am entirely exhausted of this fight. I accept the fact that I can't do this. I haven't ever been able to do it, in the 13 years I've been trying. I am sick and tired of being a failure, and of feeling like one. I accept the fact that I'm going to eat and drink what I eat and drink, and I get in the activity that I get in, and that I will weigh what I will weigh. I'm not planning to just let myself go completely, and eat or drink whatever I want, whenever I want, never exercise, etc. I'm just done fighting. I'm done "trying." I'm just done. I can't set up another plan. I can't take any more measurements or "before pictures" or psyche myself up just one more time. I just can't. I accept the fact that I've done everything I possibly can think of to try, and that I've been unsuccessful each and every time. My recidivism rate is 100%. My brain is tired. My body is tired. My soul is tired. I am who and what I am, and I accept that. I accept whatever weight or size or "look" I have, and at whatever moment I'm in at the time. Never, ever again will I "plan" to lose weight. If it happens, it happens. If I lose weight and get in better shape, super. If not...well, I haven't lost weight or been in great shape for well over a decade and I'm tired of not liking who I am because I haven't met this goal. So I'm erasing the goal, and accepting myself for who I am, how I look, and however my body responds to whatever it's subjected to. From now on, I'm going to accept myself the way I am, and focus on self-love, healing, and personal growth.
I accept the fact that we're completely broke. I accept the fact that never, not once in our entire marriage, have we ever really had our $h!t together as far as money is concerned. I accept the fact that I'm smart enough and good enough with money to change this, so I accept the fact that I need to, once again, regain complete control of our finances, so that I can get us out of this mess. I accept the fact that this is a burden I must bear, because Husband can't seem to handle his end of this situation. I accept the fact that in order to accomplish our financial goals, I need to take complete control of everything. It was just yesterday how he was saying he wished we could go to a rent-to-own place to get a new washer (ours is crapping out) and then he moped around Lowe's after I pointed out the off-brand, $349 washer I saw online that I liked. He whined about how we always have to settle with getting less than what we really want.
Yes, we sure do have to settle for getting less than what we want...less than what we deserve. But you know what? We put on our Big Girl panties and deal with it. We suck it up. We accept things for what they are. That's not to say that something may not change somewhere along the way. That's not to say we can't (or won't) have goals, and that we can't (or won't) pursue them. But we can go a long way in turning over a new leaf merely by ACCEPTING the state of things, right at that moment. Constantly wishing for something other than what we have just leads to depression and misery. It leads to disappointment.
I feel bruised...tired...but I also feel like a weight is lifting, knowing that I am unchaining myself from all of these burdens. I accept them. They are what they are. I can only do so much about them. Live and let live. Live and let God. Live and let go. However you want to put it. I free myself. I free myself from these burdens, and I accept them.
They are no longer my prison bars.