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Sunday, July 20, 2014

I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. I'm done battling certain things. I'm tired of the same struggles and frustrations, year after year after year. I'm at the point now where I'm trying my best to just accept things as they are. I'm tired, literally TIRED of trying to change certain things about my life. I just can't fight it anymore, so I have decided to go in a new direction: acceptance.

I accept the fact that Husband is the hardest working guy on the planet while he's at work, paying the utmost attention to detail and producing stellar work. I'm going to accept the fact that Husband is one of the laziest, most forgetful, and apathetic people on the planet while he's at home. I'm always going to have the stress of dealing with it, whether I beg and plead with him to pick up after himself, or finish what he starts, or do what he's promised to do...or not...but I just can't fight against changing it any longer. I'm just exhausted and deflated and completely out of energy. So I accept it. I accept that this is the way Husband has treated me for our entire marriage, and quite possibly how he will be for the rest of it. I give in. I accept it, and will no longer fight to change it.

I accept the fact that Husband has to have some sort of constant, continuous, and unending distraction when he is home. He has always been this way as long as I have known him. Before we were married, he was glued to his guitar and his video games. Then once we got married, it was video games and his DJ stuff. Then later on it was video games and whatever book he happened to be devouring. At one point it was video games and pot. Many years ago, I began calling the Xbox "the other woman." Now he doesn't play very many video games, but that's because he discovered smart phones a few years ago. Nearly every moment he is home, he has that stupid phone up in his face. He watches TV on it, mostly. We'll be watching TV or a movie as a family, and he's got his phone plugged into his ear. I'll be doing something, he'll be doing something, he's got that damn phone plugged into his ear, listening to a show, listening to music, something. He constantly has that stupid phone up his butt. So I have chosen to accept this. It's the way he's always been, and I have been rather foolish to think that over 17 years he would have changed this behavior at some point along the way. I accept that he needs some sort of buffer, some sort of distraction, some sort of something to occupy his mind and his time whenever he is home...something that is not, never has been, and quite possibly may never be, me.

I accept the fact that I can't get a solid, lasting grasp on this weight loss thing. I'm at the point where other peoples' success no longer motivates me. It's just another reminder that I'm doing it all wrong. I am entirely exhausted of this fight. I accept the fact that I can't do this. I haven't ever been able to do it, in the 13 years I've been trying. I am sick and tired of being a failure, and of feeling like one. I accept the fact that I'm going to eat and drink what I eat and drink, and I get in the activity that I get in, and that I will weigh what I will weigh. I'm not planning to just let myself go completely, and eat or drink whatever I want, whenever I want, never exercise, etc. I'm just done fighting. I'm done "trying." I'm just done. I can't set up another plan. I can't take any more measurements or "before pictures" or psyche myself up just one more time. I just can't. I accept the fact that I've done everything I possibly can think of to try, and that I've been unsuccessful each and every time. My recidivism rate is 100%. My brain is tired. My body is tired. My soul is tired. I am who and what I am, and I accept that. I accept whatever weight or size or "look" I have, and at whatever moment I'm in at the time. Never, ever again will I "plan" to lose weight. If it happens, it happens. If I lose weight and get in better shape, super. If not...well, I haven't lost weight or been in great shape for well over a decade and I'm tired of not liking who I am because I haven't met this goal. So I'm erasing the goal, and accepting myself for who I am, how I look, and however my body responds to whatever it's subjected to. From now on, I'm going to accept myself the way I am, and focus on self-love, healing, and personal growth.

I accept the fact that we're completely broke. I accept the fact that never, not once in our entire marriage, have we ever really had our $h!t together as far as money is concerned. I accept the fact that I'm smart enough and good enough with money to change this, so I accept the fact that I need to, once again, regain complete control of our finances, so that I can get us out of this mess. I accept the fact that this is a burden I must bear, because Husband can't seem to handle his end of this situation. I accept the fact that in order to accomplish our financial goals, I need to take complete control of everything. It was just yesterday how he was saying he wished we could go to a rent-to-own place to get a new washer (ours is crapping out) and then he moped around Lowe's after I pointed out the off-brand, $349 washer I saw online that I liked. He whined about how we always have to settle with getting less than what we really want.

How ironic.

Yes, we sure do have to settle for getting less than what we want...less than what we deserve. But you know what? We put on our Big Girl panties and deal with it. We suck it up. We accept things for what they are. That's not to say that something may not change somewhere along the way. That's not to say we can't (or won't) have goals, and that we can't (or won't) pursue them. But we can go a long way in turning over a new leaf merely by ACCEPTING the state of things, right at that moment. Constantly wishing for something other than what we have just leads to depression and misery. It leads to disappointment.

I feel bruised...tired...but I also feel like a weight is lifting, knowing that I am unchaining myself from all of these burdens. I accept them. They are what they are. I can only do so much about them. Live and let live. Live and let God. Live and let go. However you want to put it. I free myself. I free myself from these burdens, and I accept them.

They are no longer my prison bars.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ANNEK913
    You have definitely been an inspiration to many of us! Look back at your old blog posts- what you did is amazing! Absolutely take some time to give yourself a break and let go of anxiety about things you can't control, but be careful not to give up on yourself along with those other things. You have shown what you can do when you put your mind to it. I hope that you keep checking in with yourself and taking good care of yourself. That's what we're all in this for-- a happy, healthy life! Message any of us if you ever need support.
    1313 days ago
  • CINDYLOU4782
    1313 days ago
    It's hard to continue when you feel that kind of exhaustion. Take a break but keep good choices like moonchaser said. Healthy, you lost over 20 lbs, you inspired me when I was feeling down earlier this year and helped me get my butt moving!
    Don't be so hard on yourself! It isn't easy to lose 20+ lbs of fat especially with all the stress in your life. From reading your blogs you inspire me so much. You work super hard in your career plus you take care of all the duties at home and your family.
    I'm fortunate enough to have the option to go part time if things get very stressful or I get sick. When I was in my old job working overtime every week 40+hours a week I packed on the pounds so fast it was ridiculous. It's not easy at all to get weight off with the stress. Please take it easy and take a break as needed. Sometimes we literally have to take it one day at a time!
    We're all rooting for you here on spark people!
    1314 days ago
    You may be surprised at what you can/will accomplish now that you are accepting things as they are. It may be that the peace you are feeling is a key to getting healthier.

    Continue to make good food choices, get in a bit of exercise and see what happens.

    On the other fronts, remember that the only person you can change is yourself. If there is something you want to change, take baby steps. Change one or two little things and go from there when you find out how those work.

    One thing that I think we all struggle with is the difference between want/deserve and need. Many, if not most, times what we want or think we deserve is way more than we need...

    And always keep the serenity prayer in mind -- no matter your beliefs there is a lot of meat on them thar bones...

    Good luck ! And check in here to report how things are going.

    1314 days ago
    Thank you for taking a moment to type so many encouraging words. I'm sorry you weathered your own terrible storm, but am happy to know you came out of it better than before. At this point in my life, I don't "give up" on life or on myself ... I just surrender to being burdened. All my life, as far back as I can remember, I have been wishing I, and my life, were something different than what it is. I think from a young age I was somewhat conditioned to "want more" out of life, and I've carried that over into my adulthood. My mother went through a severe depression when I was very young. She was never happy with her life, and was always wishing it, and I, and everything in it were better. We would drive around and look at pretty houses (we lived in a small apartment). She would tell me she wished I would say certain things or comment on how pretty some other little girl was (who looked totally different than me). It just had me thinking that there was something wrong with my life, and that it needed to be better, bigger, shinier, prettier, more -whatever- in order to make it the best life. YES, there are absolutely things I want to change about my life. I don't like being fat. I don't like being broke. I don't like always struggling with money. I don't like having low self-esteem. I don't like having a husband who frustrates me the way he does. I don't like having a daughter with the problem that she has (she so means the world to me that I can't even bring myself to discuss her "problem" on this anonymous forum), but it is a problem she's had for many years and I hate that I can't fix it for her. I don't like being stuck in my career. I don't like having essentially no friends, and very little family. There are MANY things about my life that I don't like, and that I wish I could change...but instead of constantly spinning my wheels trying to change these things, or trying to make sense of them, or trying to figure out why they are the way they are...I'm going to do something I've never really done before. I'm just going to accept everything, just the way it is...even me. I need to teach myself how to establish goals without ending up feeling completely hopeless about my life. Sometimes I see so many things that I want to change about my life and I just feel hopeless to change it all. I keep thinking of the Serenity Prayer...

    "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

    I'm not a religious person, but I am quite spiritual. I think what I need right now in my life is not a frantic rush to action. I need stillness. I need quiet. I need to let myself digest all these things that I'm beginning to accept. I need to repair my soul. I don't want to think about anything too long-term right now. I don't want to focus on goals, or plans, or anything like that. I just want to be still, and let myself begin the healing process.
    1314 days ago
    Been there. Been that tired, worn out, exhausted and just plain done with it all. We had several years with multiple insurmountable problems, 6 lost jobs in 4 years in a bad economy, I lost both of my parents, we had illnesses, hospitalizations, and a miscarriage while on a cross country trip for a funeral. Yeah, I KNOW tired. I even reach a point that I talked to God and said if you can't help me, please just leave me alone. He did. Years later, I realized that he was still beside me all the time just waiting for me to ask Him back into my life. When I was ready, I did ask Him back and I'm always humbly grateful that He did.
    Acceptance is the first step of loving yourself just as you are. Not wishing or hoping for a new improved version of yourself or of others is freeing. I encourage you to be as accepting of yourself and your life and your realities as you can. The pressure relief is wonderful. It helps you refill your soul. Slowly the tiredness fades and because you aren't trying to solve everything at once you find yourself with a bit of excess energy.
    That's when you get to choose and pick your battle. If finances has to be your mission, let it be your mission. When that is under control, you might want to choose something to add to your list or you might still feel the need to circle the wagons.
    I came out of that period of my life much stronger and much more appreciative of how much I was actually handling not of how much wasn't being handled. I hope you are at peace and find the support that you need to keep your spirit nourished as you weather this difficult days.
    It does get better. Post those words on your bathroom mirror and read them every day.
    1315 days ago
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