Saturday, July 19, 2014
Today I joined another team. As I was introducing myself, I was pretty candid about my health and fitness journey. Actually, for me, it's more like an hegira, because it's an escape from an undesirable situation. With that said, I'm going to be strapping myself in because it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Yes, stealing a Margo Channing line does make me a bit of a drama queen. If you've never seen "All About Eve", do yourself a favor and get your hands on a copy. It's the best.
I joined SP in 2008 and only within the last six or seven months have I gotten involved in the community. It's been a real eye opener. Everyone is so different yet so alike. There are times I read a blog and think the author must be me. As I've made my way through life, it's not like I didn't know that other people struggle with weight loss issues, but I've never been privy to their thoughts. Both my psychologist and personal trainer have told me not to compare myself to others, because I don't know what's going on in their lives. I've been so wrapped up in whining about my lot in life and obsessing over food that I never stopped to consider that someone else may have far more problems than I do. After reading blogs, I no longer have the same tunnel vision. I can empathize with others, become a cheerleader, and be a bit of a counselor. Heck, I haven't spent years in therapy and not come away with a fair amount of wisdom.
While I was in my late 20s and early 30s, I first started seeing social workers. It took me another 40 years before I sought out a psychologist dealing with eating disorders. I'd been having thoughts of suicide, and I finally had the means to pull it off. I'd had a diabetic kitty, and, when he died, I hung onto the insulin and syringes. The fact that I was even thinking about ending my life was enough for me to seek counseling. What's interesting is that my therapist was the first person who told me that losing weight would be hard. I had spent a good portion of my life trying something new in hopes that getting thinner wouldn't be so difficult.
Through the last couple of years of therapy, I have found out there's two different kinds of motivation - external and internal. Throw a weight loss contest my way, and I'm all in. I usually win too. When the contest is over, I tend to retreat to my old habits. Since I was loathe to find time for any exercise, my therapist badgered me until I joined a gym and starting working with a personal trainer. It's been a life changing experience. First I would show up and do nothing until it was time to start my session. Mind you. Even though I have a treadmill sitting in the basement, I didn't know how to use one. That changed quickly. When it became apparent to me that I was wasting my session just warming up, I came in earlier so I would be ready to go. Since I was just leaving the gym after my session was over, my trainer "suggested" it might be a good idea for me to get in some extra cardio. Now that I've been at this for about nine months, I've come to realize Tom suggests nothing. He's telling me what I should be doing. Spending two hours at the gym today was pretty much my motivation for writing this blog.
Unfortunately, my nutrition hasn't been nearly so stellar as my workout habits. The two grocery stores in the area do not have a single pint of Unconditional Chocolate left in their freezer cases, because I personally have emptied their shelves one container at a time. That's what happens when you have a pint-a-day habit. I am willing to admit that because I've reined in my inappropriate eating habits. I've set a goal for myself, and I'm determined to meet it.
OK that was cathartic. Anyone who might actually take the time to slog through this blog might label it as self-indulgent. Don't worry. I wouldn't disagree with you.