Saturday, July 19, 2014
When you start out weighing almost 400 pounds ( hard to say ) you dont think of numbers you just think move more eat less. But I had done that before and this time was going to be the hardest since I was going it alone. Succeed or fail it is all on me. I didnt want to have excuses to fail. I didnt want someone to guilt me into something I didnt want to do what I had always done I wanted to be accountable to me. Self accountability is crucial for me for I am the only person that can handle me. I am also the only person that is not scared of me or imitated enough to lie to me. I dont cut myself slack.
For me there has to be complete honesty candid honesty with myself. I don't subscribe to self talk, believe me if people catch me talking to myself in my present state of mind there is a padded room in my future lol. However, at nearly 400 pounds there was plenty of self thoughts going on. When you set out to do the unthinkable it is the most horrifying feeling. You wake up everyday scared to death that you will fail but you wake up everyday also scared that you will succeed. Loosing massive amounts of weight is a mind game. First you hyped up you lost 50 pounds then at 90 pounds you realize that you are changing stripping away things that you are not sure you can live without. At 100 pounds gone I wanted to crawl up in a corner somewhere and hide.
There is a lot of confidence building that goes alone with what i do. Cause lets just be honest most people couldnt withstand it. It is hard to get up everyday and live a life that you have designed to push you to your limits in hopes of finding what you have never been able to accomplish. It is hard to step on the scale every week and let it tell you a number that is not suppose to matter but it does. It is hard to be up beat and positive everyday to people that dont know you in the hopes of giving them enough to change their life. It is hard once a month taking the measurements and saying job well done when you give all you got then 10 % more to loose 2 inches. But nothing is ever hard as being morbidly obese was. Nothing is ever hard as stepping out of bed wondering if my feet were going to hold my out control body one more day.
So why do this for the sheer pleasure in some numbers. To know what the feeling of true strength is all about. To know that I am smart enough to make the decisions that will inevitably save my life. For the sheer enjoyment of flipping my nose at those people who never thought i could. For moments like this morning.
While doing some cleaning I found I slip from my gym where we checked my BMI on 4/18/14 which was 42.1 . When i started this all most 3 years ago my bmi was 54. Today i calculated it again 39.2. This takes me out of morbidly obesity and i am just obese . That means nothing to some to most but for me it means that my heart is not caring as much as use to. It means that my feet are not caring as much as the use to. It means that I am doing what no one thought i could. It means that I am heading to the right direction even if the scale doesnt always say that. What it should mean to the rest of the world is despite pain, injuries and doubt you can do it. You just have to want it everyday as much as you wanted it the first day.