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    LOSINGJESS   16,011
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mental health & physical health


Friday, July 18, 2014

Last summer I was in a really good place. I had my beautiful family and 3 wonderful children, I was able to lose all the baby weight and get back down within a few pounds of my goal, I had friends for the first time in my adult life, I was active, I was happy.

Fall and Winter came and some things happened, curiosity, adventure, confusion, love, heartbreak, a broken friendship, a friendship that will never be the same, depression..... a whirlwind of emotions and events that I wont go into but they turned my whole simple little world upside down and I am still recovering and trying to come to some sort of balance in my own head

spring I was a mess, I was depressed... crying for no reason... I had gained about 25 pounds, I drank a lot and I never really had much interest in drinking before outside of the occasional social occasion. I was feeling bad emotionaly and physically. sick all the time. I did a few stupid things that in all honesty could have been a lot worse but I was lucky and I knew that I needed to stop drinking because I could not just have one drink and stop I would end up getting to that stage where I would black out and the next day I would be so sick I couldnt get out of the bed for 24 hours and my husband would have to be the one taking care of me and the children. Then the next 24 hours I would spend thinking about what I did or wondering what I did in thouse moments I couldnt remember. I would commit to cut down on my drinking but by midweek I was making a margaritta and two weeks later I was in bed with yet another hangover and the cycle would continue.

So almost 2 weeks ago I told my husband I had a major problem and decided to stop all together. My health is really gone down hill and I was feeling physically bad all the time and depressed all the time and I knew there was a more than good chance the drinking might be or was the problem. I decided I really needed to pull myself together again because I wasent giving my best to myself or to my husband or children. I dont want to be that person anymore.

So here I am. I decided to go to a therapist a few months ago... Ive been twice so far and I dont know if I like it or if its for me. I made an appt with a psychiatrist because I am considering medication for anxiety and the issues I have with ADHD that I am sick of dealing with. I stopped drinking and its both easy and hard... easy in the fact that I just stopped and I am very commited to it but hard in the fact that when I get stressed out or depressed I do want to run down and grab a bottle of wine from the store. I have my good and my bad days.... the bad days I start thinking about certain things in my life and they make me sad and I feel bad and weepy and all I want to do is eat my feelings lol.

I am trying very had to take back the control I once felt in my life but I find I cant keep all of this inside and I need some sort of support. My husband unfortunatly seems kinda disinterested, and I really dont like my therapist and even if I did my appointements are only once a month and when I really feel like I need to vent about something I have no one to talk to and when I do go to my appointments I cant even remember half the crap I was thinking or feeling (another great thing about ADHD). So I planning on coming back to spark people and hopefully I will write my feelings instead of eating them, or drinking them or some other unhealthy way of coping.

Its so funny because I think of how I use to be on spark people. A motivation to others, someone strong and in control of her own life someone who figured it all out. I dont feel like I am that same person right at this point but I would like to work twards finding her again. I would also like to lose this extra 25 pounds :-)

Dont know if anyone will read this... seems like people on spark people you knew a few years back tend to disapear but for anyone who does, hopefully my posts will become less heavy as time goes on and I start to feel better. I have already started to feel better than I did in just a few weeks time so I have high hopes for the near future.

Jess
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MPETERSON23111 7/21/2014 2:59PM

    This is a very brave blog. You are pretty dang strong if you ask me. AND YOU CAN DO THIS!

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NIELSENSLADY 7/20/2014 9:09AM

    I would try a new therapist. I really enjoy therapy myself if its with the right person. I don't know if you have considered it but think about going to an AA meeting. I'm not saying you are an alcoholic. You don't have to be to go to a meeting but a
lot of members used alcohol to deal with their depression and it led them down a destructive path. You could learn a lot from the experiences of others. I wish you the best of luck and we're always here too!

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WOUBBIE 7/19/2014 10:03AM

    Welcome back! There are lots of us here to help you with support!

I agree that, if you don't feel really connected with your therapist there's no shame in trying someone new.

You could also use these blogs as part of your therapy and print them out to use as reference in your sessions. Think of sessions as classes - sometimes you have homework to do and discuss!

Do not discount the role of nutrition and nutrients in your depression. I can't tell you how many people I've talked to who begin to experience symptoms on a low fat way of eating, or who don't have good balance in their menus. Neurotransmitters are made of things like Vitamin B and fat - if you're low on those things your brain struggles to keep up.

I'm not implying that nutrition caused your depression, just saying that it can either make it worse or make it better.

I'm just finishing reading a book that might help you:

Your Personal Paleo Code by Chris Kresser. You can tailor a healthy diet to exactly your needs.

Keep posting here and we'll keep cheering you on!

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GODZDESIGN95 7/18/2014 7:36PM

    All of that and yet you are still here. Keep pusing. Nothing is worth having unless there is a battle to get there. You can do it! emoticon

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TADTURC 7/18/2014 5:26PM

    Glad to hear from you. Take it day by day.

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STRONG_SARAH 7/18/2014 4:55PM

    Thanks for writing Jess, keep at it! I'll read your blogs and offer support if I can. You can pull yourself out of this slump with the right support. We're here for you!

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KTTAYLOR21 7/18/2014 2:50PM

    Hi Jess!! I'm still here emoticon Journaling is great therapy. You already know how supportive Spark Friends are!! We will right here ready to lift your spirits when needed!!

Have a great weekend emoticon Hold your chin up! You have a ton of things to be grateful for!!

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SEATTLE58 7/18/2014 2:28PM

    Oh Jess, you did the right thing to reach out to get help with your therapist and your doctor and here too. Just know that you can always come to SP and find me if you need to talk. I'm usually here every day! In the meantime, I hope that you can feel better and better~! emoticon emoticon emoticon Karen emoticon

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OXYGEN9 7/18/2014 12:49PM

    emoticon Things will get better, do your best and take it one day at a time! emoticon

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BRONXBABE 7/18/2014 11:58AM

    Hey, Girl! You have been missed.
I am sorry you had to go through that dark period, but welcome back.
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TRIXYMAHOGANY 7/18/2014 11:55AM

    If you're not digging your therapist, you should find a new one. You're paying them, and they work for you, so if the fit isn't good then don't waste your time and money.

Maybe try journaling when you're feeling down? Even writing it in a blog on SP, if that's easier, could help you keep track of what you're going through, and then you can bring it to your therapist if you decide to keep going.


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WHITNEYLD 7/18/2014 11:38AM

    emoticon

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