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Late Nite funnees

Thursday, July 17, 2014

While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro. -Jimmy Fallon

Germany won, but they're still mad at us for spying on them. So they're considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It's never good news when Germany says they're going to go back to their old ways. -Conan O'Brien

People are going to see the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. It's in 3-D, and it is so realistic you can barely see the zippers on the backs of the monkey suits. The new "Planet of the Apes" movie is more fun than a barrel full of people. -David Letterman

The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. I hear they are simply to die of. -Seth Meyers

LeBron James announced that he will be returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers four years after he left the team. That’s right, he's coming home. LeBron is going back to Cleveland. Or as Cleveland fans put it, "Is there a way to unburn jerseys?” -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the U.S.-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami. -Jimmy Fallon

A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. They said, “We got the idea from a child's nightmare.” -Jimmy Fallon

North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed. -Craig Ferguson

People who wanted to go on the new Harry Potter ride at Universal had to wait in line for more than seven hours this week. That's right, seven hours of waiting just for a couple minutes of action. Or as that's also called, “watching soccer.” -Jimmy Fallon

According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means — any day now we'll be invading ourselves. -David Letterman

Wyoming became a state on this day in 1918. Everybody celebrated from Cheyenne to another city in Wyoming. -Craig Ferguson

According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. Seating is limited, but usually available. -Seth Meyers

There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, “You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.” -Jimmy Fallon

Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box. -David Letterman

Today is National Sugar Cookie Day. The entire month of July is National Cream Month. You're welcome, diabetes. -Craig Ferguson

In an upcoming article for The Wall Street Journal, Tyra Banks predicts that everyone will have a robot in the future. The article raised a lot of good questions, like: Why is The Wall Street Journal interviewing Tyra Banks? -Seth Meyers
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