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    SDLEE514   17,692
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On my mind lately


Tuesday, July 15, 2014

First of all, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you especially on my last blog for all your support and encouragement! And for helping me feel not so alone and for understanding that sometimes we just get into funks, and thats okay. Your words are truly appreciated.

I'm feeling a little better than that last blog. I know I need to focus on things I CAN control, and I usually do have that mindset, sometimes I just get caught up. One thing at a time.

emoticon My job. My managers still suck. But I realized its not the end of the world; my manager should be lucky that I care so much about my job and doing well that I'm busting my butt proving that I DO deserve my promotion despite her saying I won't (again, how can you tell me months out I won't get it? obviously you're not even reviewing my performance since the period isn't over and I've done nothing but good work). Also they gave me a special project I am thrilled to be involved in. I still put my feelers out and applied to a couple other jobs. My boss is also retiring in another year or so, so at this point, I really don't mind staying where I am. I'm working hard, I mostly like what I do, it pays well and I get vacation. Those things are important to me. While I would also like recognition for the things I do, I can't have it all. This job is not a be all end all of my career.

emoticon My boyfriend. I need to find a way to deal better when I'm put into a situation where I'm made to feel bad about myself b/c its 7 years and my boyfriend can't commit. My friend was in town recently with her mom (more on that later) and her mom was asking about us and basically asked why, what is taking him so long? I obviously don't know! My own mother always reminds me (but with derogatory undertones) that her and my father were together 7 years before getting married. Yep, I'm there. Over 7 years, hellooo. We had a uncharacteristically huge fight recently that kind of rattled me. I also brought it up again, not demanding where is my ring, but we need to be honest with each other and you need to be fair to me, so if this isn't what you want....you need to tell me. So yeah, I can never get much out of him. I think I'll end up proposing to him!

emoticon Friends. I still wish I had more friends where I live. Finding out recently that I wasn't invited to a bachelorette party for a friend I see monthly (however I was invited to the wedding) kind of hurt. I panicked during my fight with my bf that I have no support if we break up, so I ended up going out to a girlnight meetup, which was fun, but it seemed like a one time thing nobody was interested in further reaching out to each other. I had a friend from high school come visit me recently b/c she was in town for a wedding, but I hadn't seen or talked to her in years. That felt really good she contacted me and it was great catching up! It's amazing how sometimes a little hey lets catch up can bring a friend back in your life, least I hope!

emoticon emoticon Food/fitness/health. So my friend who came into town recently is one of my best childhood friends, I'll be her co-maid of honor in her wedding (don't get me started on the "co" thing). So she was in town for a pageant, which right away I will say I don't support. I can see ones (and I was actually in one and won myself in high school) that are actual scholarship programs and don't require one to parade around half naked. This was not that kind of pageant, it was a true pageant, not even talent, just be "beautiful" and walk a runway. Anyways, she hired a pageant "personal trainer" who whipped her butt "into shape" and I asked her if she had her on a diet too...she said, well its kind of unhealthy (um red flag) but it really produces results. The gist of her diet seemed to be rice cakes and applesauce, with on occasional egg and half a banana. she also had to eat every few hours and was encouraged to eat a couple pieces of candy to "stay perky." UMMMM And her mother was going on and on about how wonderful she looks and how amazing she looks and she's never had abs before and just look at her! and yet her mother admitted shes gotten comments from others that she's too skinny! I showed her pics to my bf, and a few other close friends and they all agreed she was too skinny. So allow me to body bash and be jealous for minute (also, how does that make sense that I'm jealous and yet most people think shes too skinny). okay, done. she is a stunning girl, always has been tall, we met as dancers so she still looks the part, but I'm sorry how is that worth it? and of course I'm jealous that she has the will power and can afford a "personal trainer" (although anyone who calls themself that then recommends a diet like that is NOT in my opinion, a healthy-focused personal trainer) and gets "results." But I will NEVER look like her. I'm not shaped like her I'm not tall like her I could never look the pageant part, not that I want to. Its actually sad I really dont know why she wants to do pageants and subject herself to being unhealthy in the first place. Anyways, now I'm worried she's going to keep this up for her wedding in a year. I'll be the short fat maid next to her-ha! Its fine, everyone will be looking at her. Okay, rant over.

I just need to continue on my journey in a healthy way. Which has been incredibly hard lately. I've been doing a lot of barre so I feel like my stamina isn't quite there b/c I'm not getting a lot of cardio. I really need to step it up. I've been drinking and eating too much on weekends and negating any week progress.


I'm going on vacation in August, for a whirlwind tour around new england where my bf and I are from, visiting family and friends, and in general just being tourists in our home states. Really looking forward to it! But from now until then I really need to step it up so I look good for that.
Goals:
emoticon pick it up on the cardio
emoticon Continue barre
emoticon Less drinking, try to aim for none
emoticon Less food cheats (that giant muffin last week, donuts were brought into work, frozen yogurt "because its hot out")
emoticon More meal planning.
I know, not smart goals
Just over 5 weeks until vacation! mini vacation weekend camping in less than 2, whoo hoo! I love summer! emoticon emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
ANGEL_AMBER 7/16/2014 9:05AM

    Wow that diet sounds crazy that your friend is on. And unhealthy. I would assume she won't be able to keep it up long-term and I bet in a few years she may actually turn to you for weight loss advice.

My boyfriend took 5 years to propose and it was always a huge fight for us. I just wanted to know where we stood. If we had the same goals. I eventually said 'look i do not want to force you to propose, but I just need to know we are on the same page because I would like to spend the rest of my life with you. And if you asked me right now I would say yes and marry you. I just need to know you feel the same way."

After that fight - he proposed 5 months later.

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CHODGES83 7/15/2014 3:38PM

    Your story about the skinny pictures made me think of Bethenny Frankel. Not sure you saw the picture of her in her 4y/o daughter's pjs, but it just seems irresponsible. I understand there are thin people, but they still need to be healthy and treating their body well. Being thin shouldn't outweigh being healthy (weird choice of words, but you get what I'm saying, think). I'd say you're doing what you should be and your goals are great! Keep it up and enjoy that vacation!

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BONOLICIOUS2 7/15/2014 1:17PM

    Ummm wow! I really want to see the pageant pix haha. But that sounds crazy! I often find myself wishing I could afford a nutritionist and a trainer, but I also don't want to depend on anyone else for my success. Don't you think it means a bit more when you kick your own self into gear?! But us folks conserving our cash have to do what we can and that is the best we can do. AND THAT IS OKAY!

And your guess is totally as good as mine on why we're not wifey material. Good jobs, cook and clean, sweethearts not on drugs or blowing our credit cards. Hmmm...

Anyways, be the best you that you can be and keep on truckin'!

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RYDERB 7/15/2014 1:01PM

    I'm so happy to learn you're feeling better. Stay strong. You're amazing and could never be "the fat" maid-of-honor. Good luck getting in your cardio. emoticon

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ARUNNINGKAT 7/15/2014 12:27PM

    Love your goals! That whole meal planning and keeping food in check is quite the battle isn't it??

It is great that you put things "down on paper" so to speak. I think that is very healthy and helps assess where you truly are, rather than having all your thoughts just swirling around in your head, always present, but never completely organized. Or at least that is how I feel sometimes! emoticon

Take care of yourself! You are going to rock your vacation preparations and have a great trip!

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VEG954 7/15/2014 11:16AM

  You are doing all things necessary to make positive changes.
Lighten up and give yourself credit for what you have done.
emoticon

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