First of all, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you especially on my last blog for all your support and encouragement! And for helping me feel not so alone and for understanding that sometimes we just get into funks, and thats okay. Your words are truly appreciated.
I'm feeling a little better than that last blog. I know I need to focus on things I CAN control, and I usually do have that mindset, sometimes I just get caught up. One thing at a time.
My job. My managers still suck. But I realized its not the end of the world; my manager should be lucky that I care so much about my job and doing well that I'm busting my butt proving that I DO deserve my promotion despite her saying I won't (again, how can you tell me months out I won't get it? obviously you're not even reviewing my performance since the period isn't over and I've done nothing but good work). Also they gave me a special project I am thrilled to be involved in. I still put my feelers out and applied to a couple other jobs. My boss is also retiring in another year or so, so at this point, I really don't mind staying where I am. I'm working hard, I mostly like what I do, it pays well and I get vacation. Those things are important to me. While I would also like recognition for the things I do, I can't have it all. This job is not a be all end all of my career.
My boyfriend. I need to find a way to deal better when I'm put into a situation where I'm made to feel bad about myself b/c its 7 years and my boyfriend can't commit. My friend was in town recently with her mom (more on that later) and her mom was asking about us and basically asked why, what is taking him so long? I obviously don't know! My own mother always reminds me (but with derogatory undertones) that her and my father were together 7 years before getting married. Yep, I'm there. Over 7 years, hellooo. We had a uncharacteristically huge fight recently that kind of rattled me. I also brought it up again, not demanding where is my ring, but we need to be honest with each other and you need to be fair to me, so if this isn't what you want....you need to tell me. So yeah, I can never get much out of him. I think I'll end up proposing to him!
Friends. I still wish I had more friends where I live. Finding out recently that I wasn't invited to a bachelorette party for a friend I see monthly (however I was invited to the wedding) kind of hurt. I panicked during my fight with my bf that I have no support if we break up, so I ended up going out to a girlnight meetup, which was fun, but it seemed like a one time thing nobody was interested in further reaching out to each other. I had a friend from high school come visit me recently b/c she was in town for a wedding, but I hadn't seen or talked to her in years. That felt really good she contacted me and it was great catching up! It's amazing how sometimes a little hey lets catch up can bring a friend back in your life, least I hope!
Food/fitness/health. So my friend who came into town recently is one of my best childhood friends, I'll be her co-maid of honor in her wedding (don't get me started on the "co" thing). So she was in town for a pageant, which right away I will say I don't support. I can see ones (and I was actually in one and won myself in high school) that are actual scholarship programs and don't require one to parade around half naked. This was not that kind of pageant, it was a true pageant, not even talent, just be "beautiful" and walk a runway. Anyways, she hired a pageant "personal trainer" who whipped her butt "into shape" and I asked her if she had her on a diet too...she said, well its kind of unhealthy (um red flag) but it really produces results. The gist of her diet seemed to be rice cakes and applesauce, with on occasional egg and half a banana. she also had to eat every few hours and was encouraged to eat a couple pieces of candy to "stay perky." UMMMM And her mother was going on and on about how wonderful she looks and how amazing she looks and she's never had abs before and just look at her! and yet her mother admitted shes gotten comments from others that she's too skinny! I showed her pics to my bf, and a few other close friends and they all agreed she was too skinny. So allow me to body bash and be jealous for minute (also, how does that make sense that I'm jealous and yet most people think shes too skinny). okay, done. she is a stunning girl, always has been tall, we met as dancers so she still looks the part, but I'm sorry how is that worth it? and of course I'm jealous that she has the will power and can afford a "personal trainer" (although anyone who calls themself that then recommends a diet like that is NOT in my opinion, a healthy-focused personal trainer) and gets "results." But I will NEVER look like her. I'm not shaped like her I'm not tall like her I could never look the pageant part, not that I want to. Its actually sad I really dont know why she wants to do pageants and subject herself to being unhealthy in the first place. Anyways, now I'm worried she's going to keep this up for her wedding in a year. I'll be the short fat maid next to her-ha! Its fine, everyone will be looking at her. Okay, rant over.
I just need to continue on my journey in a healthy way. Which has been incredibly hard lately. I've been doing a lot of barre so I feel like my stamina isn't quite there b/c I'm not getting a lot of cardio. I really need to step it up. I've been drinking and eating too much on weekends and negating any week progress.
I'm going on vacation in August, for a whirlwind tour around new england where my bf and I are from, visiting family and friends, and in general just being tourists in our home states. Really looking forward to it! But from now until then I really need to step it up so I look good for that.
pick it up on the cardio
Less drinking, try to aim for none
Less food cheats (that giant muffin last week, donuts were brought into work, frozen yogurt "because its hot out")
More meal planning.
I know, not smart goals
Just over 5 weeks until vacation! mini vacation weekend camping in less than 2, whoo hoo! I love summer!