Tuesday, July 15, 2014
The past few months I have let go of so much, I remembered so much from my past, it was hard it hurt and i was reunited with my brother after 37 years but i had one last piece to the puzzle to complete letting go the things that made me feel unworthy, ashamed, so much anxiety, humiliation,pain and anguish. That night I had remembered was filled with awful not thiings i wanted to talk about. I realized that I have not been as compassionate by myself. I was listening to someone's story and it had to do with a similar journey and my mind was saying why does he feel that way. It wasn't his fault not his to carry the guilt, shame, etc... as I heard myself saying this things in my head a mirror turned it back on myself and at that point I realized I had to talk, I had to let it out. I had written it out the week before but still not felt my feelings. I started to talk about it with my therapist and stopped at that point that caused the great hurt. I was afraid - but when i heard the story that weekend I knew I had to. I talked to my brothers and they too felt I should get it over with. I had to face the fear - their words hit me, why let the fear hold you back hold you in that pain that I was letting my father and step mom win, at that point i realized it was like i was still letting them beat me down the more i kept it in the more i treated myself badly in my head. So my appt was on July 3, 2014 at 5pm I was going there with a purpose. My therpist asked me how I was and I said let's get to this, I have get it out. I told her I would have to read it as i felt so much humilitaiton and shame, i was afraid of being judged again it's my head the little me blah blah blah trying to keep me from speaking up! So I pulled out my journal and started to read the first paragraph the part that was so hard and what happened next is I put the paper down and finally started talking and not reading but what happened as i start not reading but talking my tears came flowing, all that time of not being able to cry or show any emotions (fear of reprecussion - when it happened i had been told cry and it would be worse) i held in so much when pain happened i removed myself at that moment it all came out every tear i had held back and more. My therapist was nothing but compassionate and told me to let it all out she held my hadn and hugged me and i just let it out. After i pulled myself together she asked me what i was going to do for myself that night how would i handle it. I told her I was going to just decompressed and make sure i had my own space to take care of me. She wanted me to rest and ask for help if needed. We talked a little more and then the session was over as i was leaving she told me her partner would say "i'm f'in awesome" whenever he had done something good for himself. I laughed as i was walking out she stopped me and reminded me that i was doing great work and then told me i want you to say "i am an awesome f'in ROCKSTAR!" so i repeated it and she said no say it no yell it and mean it. I did and it made me laugh she gave me a hug and told me to remember it.
Can i say everytime i have made a great choice about food, exercise or anything that matter that comes into my head.
July 4th i had the Freedom Run 5K my goal was to have fun and try to get in under an hour because the last bunch of races i lost the fun the joy i would get from my training and races after getting sick for all that time(see previous blogs) I had committed the medal to my little brother who can't walk much less run more than a block he's in wheel chair or walker.. I came in under an hour 58 mis give or take and had a good time. I called my little brother to let him know how it went and that i was going to send him the medal his response was you keep the medal your earned it yesterday and send me the lapel pin that was part of the medal. You ran the freedomthon now you are free big sis. I am free - I left all that crap in that office that day and it felt liberating.
So that has been my mantra in my head I'm an awesome f'in rockstar or I'm f'in awesome pops in my head constantly. It feels good to love my body, love myself to make healthy choices, for once just to really love and be free within me. I know I'm not fixed overnight but I know I am a SURVIVOR who is healing her body, heart, mind and soul daily.
Running to the finish with my best friend Krista
Krista & I with our medals
Time to train hard for Half Marathon in Vegas.