Sunday, July 13, 2014
Today was my weigh in and I am at 210.2 down 1.2lbs from last week. Sucks because yesterday I weighed in at 209.something but meh today is my official weigh in day so be it. It may just mean a better number next week :)
Today's weigh in is kindof bittersweet. It puts me at 20 lbs lost since my starting weight...way way back in 2009. Since then I have lost and regained. My lowest being 189-185 somewhere around there. And being back up to 215 and 210 countless times.
But I am counting it as rehitting the 20lbs down mark. Perhaps I am retracing my steps. But I am losing. I am moving forward. I will never have to see that 20lbs down mark again. Its all forward from here out.
Right? Because with this comes a whole mix of fear! Last time 2009, I was first diagnosed with diabetes and pcos and I was a rockstar out of the gate just like now. I was taking my meds. I was working out, I was eating right. I was losing the weight and being amazing. And then I lost it all. One little wrench snowballed into a bunch of small things putting kinks and issues into my routine and I crumbled.
The difference now is that I am treating my bipolar and seeing a therapist. But that also means I am so much more going on. Will I snap under the pressure of it all?
I can't control everything. This time I am able to get to the doctor on my own riding the bus so I don't have to worry about dragging my DH everywhere and him being tired waiting around at my appointments. But money is always an issue. Even with insurance we still pay a pretty penny. One of my meds is fairly expensive. The others are not but when you are taking 5/6 pills a day they sure add up.
And I am not doing as well as I had hoped. It is a struggle to eat right. I had a binge the other day. Yesterday I ate too much. This isn't just physical it is mental and emotional and it sucks and is so damn difficult.
I think I could do perfect if life was simple and smooth. I have a routine I can plan. But when life starts throwing curve balls at me I am lost. I crumble. I just do not know how to take it and bounce back.
Idk today I am determined to have a good day. I am down in weight. I am happy. I am about to go take a walk. Hopefully I can do 2 miles again.