Wednesday, July 09, 2014
I've been in an off-again-on-again rut for what feels like forever. I've read countless articles and viewed dozens upon dozens of videos about "living the life you REALLY want to live," yet I stay in this perpetual state of flux. Hell, it's not even really flux. I'm just always feeling STUCK. I don't "hate" my life per se...I just don't feel like I really live life. I don't live. I exist. I get up every day, do essentially the same things...never really feel fully satisfied with who I am or what I'm doing or where my life is going. All I've ever really wanted to do is be at home. I want to be home, I want to take care of my home and my family. But I can't afford to do that, so I always work. We make three times the money we did when we were first starting out, and I was a stay-at-home mom then. We can't afford to do the things we need to do much less the things we want to do. We never go anywhere. We never do anything. I never do what I want with my own life. Ever. I watch travel shows about places I dream of visiting. I watch cooking shows about amazing dishes I'd love to learn how to cook. I hear beautiful languages that I wish I could speak. I see videos on YouTube of people doing things that I want to do...I watch for inspiration, yet I can't seem to make the leap to actually begin the process for myself. Part of the problem is that I can't afford to "start" living the kind of life I want. I just feel so damn STUCK. For the longest time now, I've wanted to have a little homestead, something that kept us as self-sufficient as possible. I want to have a large, successful garden that I can utilize to feed my family. I'd love to collaborate with other local homesteaders & families, to work together to get things we couldn't (or wouldn't) do on our own (meat, etc). I want to be home. I want to be here for my family at all times. I am sick to death of trying to balance work and home. I just can't do it. I am constantly exhausted and frustrated from being pulled in two different directions at once. Of course, it doesn't help at all that my husband is just about the laziest human being in the world as soon as he steps into our home. He does just about nothing without being asked, and even then it's like pulling teeth half the time to get him to participate or even just to do what he said he would do in the first place. He's doing something that he really loves to do: timberframing. He is making great money at it, too. He's happy. Yes, I like working with kids...but I like being home more. I like being here for my family. I like to be here financially too though. It's frustrating when I'm not making money, but in order to make that money I have to be away from my home. I just HATE that all I do, all we do is workworkworkwork to pay for our home. We spend all our money and ALL of our time to make money to pay bills. We drive our car that we pay for to a job that we're not crazy about...we're away from our expensive home all day long, basically only staying here to eat a meal and sleep. It's just all backwards to me. I don't know why I can't seem to get my $#!t together enough to make my dream a reality. I've had this dream as long as I can remember. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Why are some people so successful and getting what they want out of life, and for others (me) it is a constant struggle of just continually spinning wheels and getting nowhere?
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should just accept that I am who I am, what I look like, and the life I have...or do I keep "trying" to change it? I never, ever accomplish what I set out to accomplish. I don't know how to do it. So I am always feeling like a failure because I can't ever reach any of my goals. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a failure. I'm sick and tired of seeing other people having what they want out of life, while I work so hard but get nowhere.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to change. I don't know where to start. I just know I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I wish I knew what to do...what first step to take...I just don't know...
I'm so close to giving up on everything, and just accepting myself for who I am. Maybe I really am who I am. Maybe I should forget about "goals" and instead just consider who I am. If I haven't accomplished any of my goals by now, then maybe I just won't. I'm so tired of feeling like a complete failure. How many times does one try again and again and again before they just have to accept the fact that THEY JUST CAN'T DO IT...?