"I don't want to restrict my food, give up sugary foods, pizza, etc etc etc because I already don't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes - I don't want to give up EVERYTHING - wah wah wah wah.....!" That, my Sparkly friends, is my vintage WHINE. Time for an attitude adjustment. Me allowing myself to be so undisciplined about food feels disrespectful of my (29 years as of yesterday!) sobriety and freedom from nicotine and other drugs. Plus, being so fat - I am 5'3", small boned, and just a handful of pounds away from weighing 200 lbs - is simply unacceptable for me. It feels awful to be this fat, and it doesn't look good either. There is simply no disguising the fact that I am truly, truly fat.
What to do, what to do? Well, let me tell you what I am NOT willing to do:
Pay some corporation to tell me to lose weight.
Pay some doctor to tell me to lose weight.
Pay some nutritionist to tell me to lose weight.
Pay a personal trainer to tell me to exercise.
Pay for special "weight loss supplements".
Adopt a highly restrictive eating plan.
Be obsessed with losing weight.
I think any or all of the above can be helpful for some people, some of the time, but not for me. I have done all of the above at some point or another.
Factors that work against me:
Wacky hormone fluctuations
Husband who eats like a 12 year old at a slumber party and brings home food commensurate with his "food is for fun and not for nutrition" philosophy.
Food EVERYWHERE I go, it seems.
What I AM willing to do:
Resume a commitment to spending time on SP more days than not.
Curtail my eating after 7pm more nights than not (far more nights than not, actually).
Focus on getting a good breakfast and snack in before noon - front load nutrition, especially protein - it makes the rest of the day go better.
Eat more fruits and vegetables - having a juicer has really helped me curtail my "vegetable guilt".
Cook dinner more often rather than relying on my dear husband to bring home "slumber party" food.
Exercise daily - sometimes a couple times a day - to the point where it is challenging but not punishing (this is the easiest part for me, for some reason).
Get enough sleep.
Take care of the business of daily living (paperwork, cleaning, etc etc because it reduces stress).
Take responsibility for myself. It is tempting to blame my husband (other people blame him for me!) and to feel sorry for myself that I have so many elements working against me BUT I refuse to accept that it is impossible for me to drop weight, slowly and surely, and work at keeping it off.
What I do accept is that I got myself here and I can take myself out of this uncomfortable place.
I am in a phase of deep acceptance right now. I am really looking at my condition. I am tackling denial head-on. I am turning away despair because it isn't useful. I am really feeling my embarrassment because I AM embarrassed. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like I am "less than" because my body is MORE than. I am quite lovable. I feel loved each and every day, especially lately. I know people love me but I also know that they feel sorry for me and my struggle with weight loss and, here is the thing, I CANNOT STAND to be pitied. Yuck. I hate it. I don't want people to pity me and be shocked by my weight gain. It feels awful. I want them to see me, not my extra pounds.
I am accepting that while I am unwilling to be obsessed with weight loss, I am willing to treat it like a part-time job. I have done that before and it has worked. I am so glad I have Sparkly friends, who know the score but don't keep score, as in "oh, right - we have heard THIS before". Of course you have, because struggling with weight and food is not a nice, neat, linear path - it is a bumpy freaking road and I have spent some time broken down in the ditch but at least I know where the road is, and I know some of my fellow travelers, and I am grateful to know you. Feel free to give me a push, and I will do the same for you, but ultimately I am the one behind the wheel and I am the one who needs to pay attention to the road.