30,000-39,999 SparkPoints 32,430

vintage WHINE

Saturday, July 05, 2014

"I don't want to restrict my food, give up sugary foods, pizza, etc etc etc because I already don't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes - I don't want to give up EVERYTHING - wah wah wah wah.....!" That, my Sparkly friends, is my vintage WHINE. Time for an attitude adjustment. Me allowing myself to be so undisciplined about food feels disrespectful of my (29 years as of yesterday!) sobriety and freedom from nicotine and other drugs. Plus, being so fat - I am 5'3", small boned, and just a handful of pounds away from weighing 200 lbs - is simply unacceptable for me. It feels awful to be this fat, and it doesn't look good either. There is simply no disguising the fact that I am truly, truly fat.

What to do, what to do? Well, let me tell you what I am NOT willing to do:
Pay some corporation to tell me to lose weight.
Pay some doctor to tell me to lose weight.
Pay some nutritionist to tell me to lose weight.
Pay a personal trainer to tell me to exercise.
Pay for special "weight loss supplements".
Adopt a highly restrictive eating plan.
Be obsessed with losing weight.

I think any or all of the above can be helpful for some people, some of the time, but not for me. I have done all of the above at some point or another.

Factors that work against me:
Wacky thyroid
Wacky hormone fluctuations
Body type
Eating disorder
Husband who eats like a 12 year old at a slumber party and brings home food commensurate with his "food is for fun and not for nutrition" philosophy.
Food EVERYWHERE I go, it seems.

What I AM willing to do:
Resume a commitment to spending time on SP more days than not.
Curtail my eating after 7pm more nights than not (far more nights than not, actually).
Focus on getting a good breakfast and snack in before noon - front load nutrition, especially protein - it makes the rest of the day go better.
Eat more fruits and vegetables - having a juicer has really helped me curtail my "vegetable guilt".
Cook dinner more often rather than relying on my dear husband to bring home "slumber party" food.
Exercise daily - sometimes a couple times a day - to the point where it is challenging but not punishing (this is the easiest part for me, for some reason).
Get enough sleep.
Take care of the business of daily living (paperwork, cleaning, etc etc because it reduces stress).
Take responsibility for myself. It is tempting to blame my husband (other people blame him for me!) and to feel sorry for myself that I have so many elements working against me BUT I refuse to accept that it is impossible for me to drop weight, slowly and surely, and work at keeping it off.
What I do accept is that I got myself here and I can take myself out of this uncomfortable place.

I am in a phase of deep acceptance right now. I am really looking at my condition. I am tackling denial head-on. I am turning away despair because it isn't useful. I am really feeling my embarrassment because I AM embarrassed. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel like I am "less than" because my body is MORE than. I am quite lovable. I feel loved each and every day, especially lately. I know people love me but I also know that they feel sorry for me and my struggle with weight loss and, here is the thing, I CANNOT STAND to be pitied. Yuck. I hate it. I don't want people to pity me and be shocked by my weight gain. It feels awful. I want them to see me, not my extra pounds.

I am accepting that while I am unwilling to be obsessed with weight loss, I am willing to treat it like a part-time job. I have done that before and it has worked. I am so glad I have Sparkly friends, who know the score but don't keep score, as in "oh, right - we have heard THIS before". Of course you have, because struggling with weight and food is not a nice, neat, linear path - it is a bumpy freaking road and I have spent some time broken down in the ditch but at least I know where the road is, and I know some of my fellow travelers, and I am grateful to know you. Feel free to give me a push, and I will do the same for you, but ultimately I am the one behind the wheel and I am the one who needs to pay attention to the road. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Denial is the easiest thing to do ever. If the guilt doesn't crush you. Facing things head on is hard. Who wants to face themselves in the mirror when they know deep down the path they are traveling on is not the one they should be on.

    I, too, have to treat this journey like a part-time job and my body with respect or I gain. I hate it, but it's true.

    You've got this.
    1320 days ago
    Sometimes I feel like the only times I'm successful is when in obsessed. I don't want to be "that girl" who only orders salads at restaurants. Ugh. I wish it required less focus. I understand where you're coming from, I think.
    1323 days ago
    Great blog and so true "struggling with weight and food is not a nice, neat, linear path"!
    1325 days ago
    A very insightful blog!

    I am rooting for you all the way. And congrats on the 29 years...that is awesome!
    1325 days ago
    emoticon emoticon 29 years is AMAZING! emoticon I'm on this bumpy road right next to you. It seems like just when we've figured it out, life steps in and makes the journey more difficult. But we're tough and we always find a way to keep going.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1326 days ago
    I've been known to indulge in some whine/wine. I'm with you sister...good, bad and ugly. We will carry on, one day at a time. Love ya
    1326 days ago
    I'm in the car right next to you on this bumpy road. We can look over and wave at each other and help each other out if we fall in the occasional ditch. I too have decided I can't let my medical conditions rule my life. I am going to commit myself to taking a more serious attitude about my weight loss. Thanks for putting this all in words!! emoticon
    1326 days ago
    Yep, I saw you posted a blog and knew it would be well worth the time to read! They are always full of wisdom, insight, and never fail to make me reflect and understand something in my own life. Thank you!

    I will gently push and more importantly pull you along. This is such an easy concept, less calories in, more calories burned. Healthy nutrition, not junk calories. Then the ads appear, there are time crunches, there are our friends and family, there are events to attend! It is so easy to go off track, so easy to justify to ourselves why it is okay to do so, so easy to go way down the wrong road before realizing that we had gone so far off track.

    Three things that have helped me greatly;
    -Getting more physically fit, running, hiking, weight work
    -Tracking my food, which is not hard once you get your favorites logged, and I NEVER lie on what I eat since it will not help me at all!
    Spark People and most importantly, Spark friends who help me, don't judge me, are always there,
    and understand.
    1326 days ago
    Consider yourself "pushed". Good luck and enjoy the ride behind the wheel, on that bumpy road, full of twist and turns. Thank you for trusting us all with a good old whine!!! You Go Girl!!!
    1327 days ago
    Loved this blog.... you have a great attitude and your plan is spot on. Now the "implementation" part is going to be tougher but you can do it!

    1327 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    Everywhere you go is the WHINE country... Tracy Ulman character's husband quote from the 90's.

    Beautiful, beautiful Cannie! I just wrote a looong reply, but decided it was too preachy. I just know you can do this, but I'm afraid what you think you have to do is too hard. Not that it's easy. It's just about putting the effort where you get the biggest bang for your buck. I'm on your side!
    1327 days ago
    My dear friend,
    Were would we all be without each other?? It's a life-long, rather day long, meal by meal, decision by decision battle we fight and our intensity about it ebbs and flows . I love that you refuse to be all out obsessive in this area. It's a matter of health, ALL health, not just our ass size. We deserve to be happy and we achieve that when we make lists like the one above and define what we are willing to do to get there. You always inspire with your excellent introspection and honesty. Congratulations on your many years of sobriety!
    1327 days ago
    The thyroid -- rotten little bugger does make it difficult in the weight loss dept. when it decided to malfunction! And I am in that boat too, so don't feel alone. We can still do this. Definitely.

    You know, more than the losing the weight, I think losing the mentality of deprivation, "why do **I** have to do this and nobody else in the entire UNIVERSE does", was hardest. Still have to do a daily attitude check and I do!

    (((HUGS)))) You can do this and you are definitely, positively, absolutely not alone!
    1327 days ago
    Excellent blog: and a "whine" I'm all too familiar with myself!! Have NEVER stopped wanting to smoke (most recently today: and have not smoked for over 35 years) and have NEVER stopped wanting to eat "whatever I want whenever I want".

    We just keep on keeping on, right?
    1327 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. I found myself shaking my head up and down in agreement with you on many of the things you addressed.
    1327 days ago
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