Saturday, July 05, 2014
So, I didn't do anything special in June related to diet and exercise. The only variables were the following: I went on vacation, I bought a lawnmower, I went back on my medication. That's it.
It's been interesting, especially the last couple of weeks. I have been noticeably less hungry, but when I am hungry, I notice it. Coupled with that, there are all those EMOTIONS that lay dormant until I have space in my life to feel them, and I remember why I eat to numb. I haven't been, but I remember why I have in the past.
From my last recorded weight in June, I've lost 6.4 pounds. I'm happy with that because it came without trauma and excessive thought.
I find myself at a real precipice with everything related to my eating disorder currently. I am more aware of my patterns and behaviors than ever before. I know my go-to's to cope. I know my tendencies towards all-or-nothingness when it comes to diet and exercise. I know that I am capable of pushing myself to the brink of insanity with working out only to crash and burn because I realize I can't keep up the pace (nor do I want to).
I struggle because I see several of my friends hitting their diet and exercise hard right now. I know the compulsion... I want to be that person... but the rational, kinder part of me who is now more aware is reminding me that it isn't sustainable. And if it isn't sustainable, it isn't worth it because I'll be more miserable as I backslide. It's really difficult in that respect.
I told my therapist that I was starting to think about losing weight again. I also told her that talking about it is ultimately my kiss of death. I acknowledged that I know enough now that I can admit I don't have much time or energy outside of work and grad school, and so to add in wanting to lose weight may be setting myself up. I told her that I know the majority of my weight loss would have to come from different food choices, simply because my time is so limited, and that I thought my goal should be about 5 pounds per month because even that would mean (in theory) 60 pounds in a year. I talked about a couple of changes I wanted to make.
She then threw down the gauntlet. She challenged me to just se how this month goes, since I am feeling less hungry and I'm adjusting to medication. She encouraged me to not make any other changes than what I had already done, and just see how things play out. Just notice.
My reaction? "That doesn't feel like it's enough".
Well, isn't that the truth? Nothing ever feels like it is enough, so this time it has to be enough. I have to just notice this month, adjust as I may, and re-evaluate next month. 5 pounds may not be "enough" when science says I can lose 8 pounds per month safety, but what can I say? It was hard enough to get down to my lowest weight the last time, and last time I wasn't "done". This time? This time I am making peace that where I was might be the end game after all. If it is difficult to get there, it will be difficult to stay there. I am hoping this time I am setting myself up for longer term success since I am taking care of all aspects of my health.
You know the best part about all of this is that there is no one size fits all solution. What works for others may not work for me and vice versa. And that's ok. Part of the journey is figuring out what works for yourself... not according to others... just you.
I am feeling more calm and blessed after writing this blog. Thanks for checking in.