Saturday, July 05, 2014
I know that know one here knows my friend Nate, but sometimes it is easier to express things when people don't really know me. On July 2, my very good friend Nathan passed away. He was only 31 years old. I am forcibly reminded how unfair life can be. My friend was far from perfect but he had a very rare quality. He loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter to him that I am far far from perfect I am. I know that he is in a better place because God wouldn't dare to keep him out of heaven or I'll kick God's behind when I get there. I also know that for the first time in years he is no longer in a body suffering from cancer.
I'm sitting here crying again even though I know Nate wouldn't want that. He would want me to fight for happiness with everything I am. But I am having trouble dealing with the fact that I will never get to hug him again. Or that we won't curl up on couches or a bed for a tv marathon of idiot programs like Cake boss or Ru Paul's Drag Race. He won't assess my outfit before I go out on a date and give me an honest opinion. He won't stand with me someday when I actually meet someone who loves me and wants to marry me. I won't get to stand with him at his wedding which will never happen now. His partner and I will go spread his ashes next month.
I'm not good at good byes. The nurse in me knows that he is much better off now. We talked about his dying and knew it was coming, but it doesn't make it any easier. Even knowing his time were was limited, we were still making plans.
I have happy memories to keep me going with the sad. This year I had one of the happiest valentines days I have every had. I spent the night with Nate. First we had dinner at my house because he loved my manicotti and then we went to a hotel and casino. We bowled badly while teasing each other and goofing off. I suspect many people would have assumed we were a couple which we always thought was funny as he was gay. But we were so close. He joked that I was the only woman he ever considered going straight for which I took for the huge compliment it was, because he had absolutely no interest in my body, but loved me so much anyway.
God Bless you Nate! I will try to live up to the example you set for me, to not give up on the things that really matter and to live even when you aren't sure it is worth the effort. I'll give you a big hug when I get to heaven. We'll laugh again and spread some more rumors about me getting you pregnant.