So I am always very honest here on Spark...when I'm doing great my blogs are all about positivity and
's.... and when I am in the pit of despair, they are doom and gloom, but usually with some positivity sprinkled in at the end to try and help me to get out of the pit. I've always been honest and I always will be... but I will say that when I blog, I am very aware that at least 1 person is going to read it. So I do come back and make edits, and try to see what sounds right and what doesn't. Sometimes (rarely) I leave things off that I chose not to share at the time... it just really depends.
When I journal, it is just free flowing. It doesn't matter if I'm upbeat or negative, or if things don't sound quite right... and I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks because no one will ever see it. Well today I was journaling and thought maybe I should share this on Spark. Now here's the thing, it was NOT at all very interesting, and it was long and very wordy. So I am not going to post it verbatim this time... if I have any other journal entries in the future I chose to share I might go that route.
The only thing I will say is remember these are my inner most thoughts and feelings, and they won't always be pretty... but I do feel Spark is a "safe place" and that is why I have chosen to share. I know many of you might say "don't be so hard on yourself" after reading these types of things, but this is me sharing that sometimes I have to battle those negative thoughts, and I don't always win.
To get down to the nitty gritty... I really started to feel like a failure today. I am 188ish and I was 185 at Halloween. I have said this countless times, but I have been in the 185-199 range this entire time. Today it hit me that it was JULY. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I was clearly a failure. To add insult to injury, I hit Onederland (199.6) on July 23rd 2013. Almost an entire year has past, and I am only a stones throw away from where I was. The way things were going, I thought I'd be at goal and maintaining by now, and instead I feel like I am standing still. How could I let all those months pass me by, gaining and losing the same 15 pounds. I was very disappointed in myself.
I tried to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones... I can chose to focus on the past 6 months that I can not change, or I can focus on the remaining 6 months of 2014. I could accomplish a LOT in those 6 months if I really focused and put my mind to it. So for the majority of the day I focused on making it a good day. But then there was a knock at my door, and it was the Binge Monster.
I am sad to say I didn't put up much of a fight... it was kind of like "Well... you really shouldn't be here... but it's late so just come on in!" Not only did I let him win so easily, I let him win more than once.
In fact I am sitting here bloated as I type this, and it is not a good feeling ha ha.
The thing is, I thought I beat the negative thoughts... but they were still there. I still felt like a failure, I felt like I had wasted so much time and I know I am a saboteur of myself. I already knew I was in a vulnerable place, there is something about this weight range that really just scares me... it is too close to success, and I think I still battle the negative thought that I don't deserve to be successful. I know I do deserve it, and I try to remind myself, but I don't always win.
The good to come out of this is this: If I hadn't lost the weight each time I gained it (the 10-15 pounds), I would be well into Twoterville and who knows if I would have regained 40-50 pounds in the last 8 months. I know I can gain 40 pounds in record speed if I give up... and I have yet to do that. I will never give up because I want this too badly... but I am really having a rough day today and that is where I'm at. I know life can't always be
's but sometimes I wish it could be.
So there you have it... STEPH-KNEE Uncensored Volume 1... I struggle, I get down on myself, and sometimes I feel like a failure. I know that isn't true, but sometimes it is how I feel... I will work that much harder on feeling like a success for Friday, and not being so hard on myself. Thanks for listening, and if you made it this far you deserve some applause.
This is just a quick edit based on some of the comments I got... I am not on a weight loss plateau... to me a weight loss plateau is when you are doing everything right and your body just won't let go of the weight. When I say I am gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds, it is totally because of what I'm doing.
I do well, I lose weight, I get to a low number and I start eating and going off plan. What I am doing works when I'm doing it, but obviously when I stop and start eating a bunch of junk is when the weight comes back on. It is very much a mental thing that I have to keep working to get past.