Thursday, July 03, 2014
Isn't it interesting how easy it is to do for others, but doing things for yourself can be so hard? Not just hard, but painful. I seem to intentionally find people and situations that consume me, leaving little of me left for, well...Me!
I'm feeling so unhappy with myself, not only in the way I look and feel, but in the way I approach my life. People seem to really like me, but I can't seem to see it. I am constantly trying to make people like me. Making personal sacrifices that end up harming me in order to garner favor.
I am 51 years old for cripes sake, and it's time for me to grow up. To take some of the sage advice that I seem so easily able to dole out to others. Learn to take care of me. No, that's not it. I'm good at nurturing, and caring, but I need to do it for myself. I need to allow me to be healthy and happy.
This has never been a good thing. Somewhere in my head I have this running theme that I am not worthy, or that thin is not a safe place to be. Well...how about healthy? I am no longer healthy living my life the way I have. As a doctor so bluntly put it recently, "Hmmm, your weight is up since the last time you were here, and so is your blood pressure. Are you trying to stroke out?" Ok....that pissed me off, and then I let myself really think about what she said. Am I? Am I just playing the same game I did when I was younger and abusing drugs? "If I live I live, if I die I die. "
I don't want to do that anymore. I want to stick around for a while longer. I have good people in my life, and am very lucky to still have interest in new adventures and experiences. I need to get rid of some of this pain and inability to move freely due to excess weight so I can get out into the world more and start enjoying things.
So, here I go again! Let this journey begin. I hope that you will take it with me, and we can encourage each other along the way. If you see me laying down road blocks...give me a swift kick, and I'll do the same for you! There's a lot of amazing things out in the world, let's go enjoy them!
Talk to you again soon!