Thursday, July 03, 2014
i really paid attention to myself today...my thoughts and actions a i was going about my day. these are some of the thoughts that i had regarding my negative self. i must work on these
1. my husband wanting to know why i dont want sex anymore...at first i didnt tell him but eventually i realized it wasnt fair for him to not know how horrible i felt about my body. i told him i have gained weight and didnt feel sexy. i needed to lose some weight to feel sexy again.
2.. as i was shopping with my mom...i had to return something to macys cause it was too big( i guess i not as big as i thought). i hurried and returned it before mom could tell i was in the plus sizes. i am so ashamed to shop in that section.
3. just an observation-- i was so disgusted with myself as i was looking at all the cute clothes that i just look really bad in. all because i never stick with anything. i do not put eating right at the top of my list. nor do i put excercise at the top. this has got to stop. i want to be a vibrant healthy,confident person.
4. as i at a light lunch with some girls i used to work with about 25 years ago. i wanted them to say i look great. they didnt . i know i have gained and i dont look great. the next time i see someone that i havent saw in a while i want them to say wow!! you look terrific. i want to be confident and in control. i just felt really out of place with them.
5. i thought i heard a dog howl as i walked through the parking lot. when you feel like you look good, you will put a better effort in looking good. i mean, i think looks wise i am ok. not drop dead gorgeious but ok. def not dog howling material. but oh well
6. right now, my level of confidence is low. i think of things men (no one in particular) just men i have ran across through the last year have said to me. calling me fat names, saying i dont look hot. i am just really tired of this. it hasnt even been all my life. it has been in the last 3-4 years cause i guess i stopped caring about myself.
7. the only one to change this is me. i dont know where to start. perhaps i will go back to weight watchers. excercise, i am trying some dvd and treadmill at home to save me some money. i have to increase my confidnece .
thank you everyone who read. i have just had a very thought provoking day. and i need to make some changes.