I have more "skinny" clothes than clothes I actually wear....
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
I had a productive day today. I woke up without smashing the snooze button to infinity. I got ready and went for a walk! I am so slow & it doesn't help that I am still attempting to train Trixie beautiful loose leash walking skills. She is like 75% there but so far it is more like yo-yo walking skills...sigh
On my walk I ran...what? I know right! Not the whole time. Not even most of the time. Three times, just short little bits of running between one pole to the next. But it felt great. I so want to run but I just can't do it for real yet. I like to put the cart before the horse, ya know do things I am just not ready for yet. I need to work on my walking endurance first. Not giving up the second I get tired. I know I can walk far. The other day I walked all over town and now today a mile is killing me? It is just my head that is lying to me and making me feel like I can't go on, not my body.
Later in the day I decided to do some deep cleaning of the house. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the living room, cleaned my bedroom - which was the worst! I have too many clothes and not enough drawers or hangers. So I was living with just a giant pile of clothes on the dresser of stuff I actually wore. So today I was like well what the hell is in all these drawers then??!
I decided to clean them out and get rid of everything that I am never going to wear and old stuff that should be thrown out. I really do not need 8 different hair dye/dirty work t-shirts lol I also decided to organize the drawers so I can find things.
Some strange things I noticed...
1. I really new comfy underwear. I have ALOT of thongs and sexy things but almost no normal undies! I have no idea what happened to them all...underwear gnomes perhaps?
2. I have far far more "skinny-I will wear this someday" clothes, more than clothes I actually wear.
Being overweight & having such a bad self image, I just do not wear nice things often. I end up throwing on a baggie t-shirt and jeans 99% of the time. But I have alot of very pretty things that I just do not feel comfortable enough to wear. My tummy is too big. It doesn't cover my arm fat. I just look too fat in it (as if wearing this t-shirt people will not notice I am overweight).
Then alot of stuff just doesn't fit anymore. I bought a ton of stuff when I was on my first weightloss kick. I was down in Onderland around 190-185 and was feeling great. Most of it just barely fit and would have looked great after I lost 10-20 more lbs which was fine because I was so on that track....yeah that didn't go so well.
I actually have two items of clothing that I will happy dance all day long when I can fit into them.
The first one is an AMAZING little black dress that I bought on a super insane sale. It was on sale 75% off but even still the sales price was more than I would ever think of spending. But I loved it so so much I had to buy it. This was last year and at the time I could get into it. I could not move or breathe. No way I could actually wear it but I was so close! A few weeks later I couldnt even put it on. So it sits in my closet..waiting for me. When i fit into it I am making my DH take me somewhere nice for dinner so I can wear it!
The second item is this beautiful fairytale like dress that I actually bought for my wedding way back in 2006. I could no way fit into it then though and instead of returning it (they didnt have a bigger size) I decided to keep it for one day. It was from http://www.pyramidcollection.c
om. That one is going to take me a long time to fit into. Probably close to my goal weight. But when i do I know I will wear it and cry happy tears.
Also I called my doctor today and got the test results from my A1C test. It was 8.9 which is not good. Ideally you want it between 4 - 5.6. Hopefully I can lower that like crazy these next 3 months and when I test again it will be great!
Tomorrow is my first therapy session. I am so nervous as hell. I don't know what to expect which makes it so much worse. I feel like I am going to ramble or cry. I also have a giant fear that she will think I am faking. Just making this all up. I read online that most people who see a therapist do so because they already have self diagnosed themselves and that is why they are seeking help. So I guess I don't feel too weird about it. My other doctor already diagnosed me anyways and put me on meds so really I have no idea why I am worrying...