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I have more "skinny" clothes than clothes I actually wear....

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

I had a productive day today. I woke up without smashing the snooze button to infinity. I got ready and went for a walk! I am so slow & it doesn't help that I am still attempting to train Trixie beautiful loose leash walking skills. She is like 75% there but so far it is more like yo-yo walking skills...sigh

On my walk I ran...what? I know right! Not the whole time. Not even most of the time. Three times, just short little bits of running between one pole to the next. But it felt great. I so want to run but I just can't do it for real yet. I like to put the cart before the horse, ya know do things I am just not ready for yet. I need to work on my walking endurance first. Not giving up the second I get tired. I know I can walk far. The other day I walked all over town and now today a mile is killing me? It is just my head that is lying to me and making me feel like I can't go on, not my body.

Later in the day I decided to do some deep cleaning of the house. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the living room, cleaned my bedroom - which was the worst! I have too many clothes and not enough drawers or hangers. So I was living with just a giant pile of clothes on the dresser of stuff I actually wore. So today I was like well what the hell is in all these drawers then??!

I decided to clean them out and get rid of everything that I am never going to wear and old stuff that should be thrown out. I really do not need 8 different hair dye/dirty work t-shirts lol I also decided to organize the drawers so I can find things.

Some strange things I noticed...

1. I really new comfy underwear. I have ALOT of thongs and sexy things but almost no normal undies! I have no idea what happened to them all...underwear gnomes perhaps?

2. I have far far more "skinny-I will wear this someday" clothes, more than clothes I actually wear.

Being overweight & having such a bad self image, I just do not wear nice things often. I end up throwing on a baggie t-shirt and jeans 99% of the time. But I have alot of very pretty things that I just do not feel comfortable enough to wear. My tummy is too big. It doesn't cover my arm fat. I just look too fat in it (as if wearing this t-shirt people will not notice I am overweight).

Then alot of stuff just doesn't fit anymore. I bought a ton of stuff when I was on my first weightloss kick. I was down in Onderland around 190-185 and was feeling great. Most of it just barely fit and would have looked great after I lost 10-20 more lbs which was fine because I was so on that track....yeah that didn't go so well.

I actually have two items of clothing that I will happy dance all day long when I can fit into them.

The first one is an AMAZING little black dress that I bought on a super insane sale. It was on sale 75% off but even still the sales price was more than I would ever think of spending. But I loved it so so much I had to buy it. This was last year and at the time I could get into it. I could not move or breathe. No way I could actually wear it but I was so close! A few weeks later I couldnt even put it on. So it sits in my closet..waiting for me. When i fit into it I am making my DH take me somewhere nice for dinner so I can wear it!

The second item is this beautiful fairytale like dress that I actually bought for my wedding way back in 2006. I could no way fit into it then though and instead of returning it (they didnt have a bigger size) I decided to keep it for one day. It was from http://www.pyramidcollection.c
om. That one is going to take me a long time to fit into. Probably close to my goal weight. But when i do I know I will wear it and cry happy tears.


Also I called my doctor today and got the test results from my A1C test. It was 8.9 which is not good. Ideally you want it between 4 - 5.6. Hopefully I can lower that like crazy these next 3 months and when I test again it will be great!

Tomorrow is my first therapy session. I am so nervous as hell. I don't know what to expect which makes it so much worse. I feel like I am going to ramble or cry. I also have a giant fear that she will think I am faking. Just making this all up. I read online that most people who see a therapist do so because they already have self diagnosed themselves and that is why they are seeking help. So I guess I don't feel too weird about it. My other doctor already diagnosed me anyways and put me on meds so really I have no idea why I am worrying...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    With you on #2. My husband doesn't understand how I can have so many clothes and still have nothing to wear. But nothing fits! I just grab a t-shirt and some stretchy pants for everything! I wont have to buy any clothes as I lose weight. Now just to lose the weight to fit into them...
    840 days ago
    Oh boy I'm right there with you on Number 2... I have too many clothes and nothing to wear because I don't want things that draw attention to my fat. My too small clothes are in storage bags under the bed and sitting on the shelf of my closet right now I too once lost a bunch of weight and gained a bunch back, I only have a few pairs of pants that fit me right now and maybe a few pairs of shorts. My dream is to fit into this great little jacket I got at a thrift shop in NY, But right now I would be happy with drooping a few pants sizes so I had more pants to wear. Keep working hard and we will get into our favorite things once again or get great new things. emoticon
    847 days ago
    Great job on the running! I would also love to be a runner, but I need to do a LOT of walking before I get to that point!

    It will be super exciting when you get into those two things. And you will do it, even if it takes time. I have complete faith in you. I'm sure your dh will be happy to take you out for a nice dinner so he can show off his beautiful wife!

    I have the same thought about therapy, that she will think I'm lying or making it all up. I think that's part of why I'm such a big baby about going. I don't have any good advice for you on the front, just wanted to tell you I feel the same way.

    847 days ago
  • RMC2551
    Well it sounds like you are doing all the right things. I struggle with depression/anxiety and need to really stay on top of my moods. I just went to the doctor and had my meds changed. Feeling better already. I have been doing a Paleo diet for about a month and I found it interesting that you said you didn't push your snooze button this morning. Since I have been on this diet I have been getting up at 6:45 am when my alarm goes off without any problems. Prior to my new diet, I had a horrible time getting up in the morning, I would press my snooze button for an hour or more (or until my husband had heard enough of it and would make me get up), I would feel sick in the am. Now I feel good. Also feeling lots of more energy throughout the day. Best of luck to you. emoticon
    847 days ago
    I have a pair of shorts and shirt that I need to drop off at good will.....they are too lose.
    847 days ago
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