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Late Nite Funnies

Monday, June 30, 2014

A man walked into McDonald's with a knife in his back. Yeah, with a knife in his back. His heart wasn't in danger until he ordered the food, said doctors. -Conan O'Brien

NBC is making a movie about the Beatles. However, they will not be allowed to use the Beatles music and they will not be allowed to use the Beatles likenesses. Other than that it's a green light all the way. -David Letterman

The American men's soccer team advanced to the knockout round in the World Cup after a victorious defeat by Germany. -Craig Ferguson
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Tonight is the NBA draft, also known as "Purchase a Giant Day." Cleveland had the No. 1 overall pick and took Andrew Wiggins from the University of Kansas, who has already announced plans to leave the team to play in Miami. -Jimmy Kimmel

A Connecticut woman was arrested after she sent her son to school with a grenade for his World War II-related show and tell. Though I'd say the school was asking for trouble when they planned a World War II-related show and tell. -Seth Meyers

During the World Cup, Uruguay is playing Italy and one of their players bites an Italian player. FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament. -Dave Letterman

Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts. -Conan O'Brien

A guy outside of a McDonald's tried to break up a fight and he got stabbed in the back. He then took out his cellphone and called a buddy. This gives you an idea how bad crime is in New York City. People don't even notice now when they've been stabbed. -David Letterman

In England a major highway had to be closed yesterday because a truck overturned. And the truck was filled with instant mashed potatoes. I was thinking that there must be a joke in this, but I couldn't think of one. -Craig Ferguson

A piece of rock 'n' roll history was sold yesterday. Some of Bob Dylan's handwritten lyrics from 1965 went up for auction and got $2 million. Paying $2 million for Bob Dylan lyrics is a good way to know that Bob Dylan would have hated you in 1965. -Jimmy Kimmel

Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin'. -Conan O'Brien
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