Monday, June 30, 2014
I have not been home much.
home hunting is not a chore that I am enjoying. Nor is dealing with my broken wrist.
Getting in and out of cars is quite a production right now. Doing dishes is even worse...i still wish for an automatic dishwasher and am really hoping God leads me to a place with one.
Sometimes I feel like I am the kid that I was , that thought God was not listening to me. As a kid I did not understand the finalty of death, and could not figure out why God wouldn't give me my daddy back.
I know this is unrealistic. And I do know God is listening, it is just how I feel at the moment.
I have a feeling that my cast will not be replaced with a half cast on friday. There is still a lot of pain and aching going on. Perhaps my diabetes is slowing the healing process , as it can do that..Yesterday, at church, I had a prayer team pray over me for a new home and over my wrist for healing properly.
And I got scolded by a couple of church friends. Apparently no one realizes how serious my health conditions are plus the need for a decent home that I can afford. I just gave a blank look at them...they went on to say because I am always smiling and happy, that everyone assumes everything is okay.
I just am not the type to go around with a doom and gloom face...
They said cry sometimes!. Sorry, I am not the type to cry in public...and when I do ...I get very embarrassed. So many people dont realize that I grew up with a mother that always said" don't be like that" I was not to show emotions of any kind. I never went against my mother so I would put on the mask over my emotions...It is so hard to break 40 years of conditioning.
Even now, 17 years after her death, I find it hard to show any emotion other than the happy one. It is a good thing for me to blog, because I can let out stuff here.
I am really watching my food intake. I know I am stress eating. My emotional outlet. I am not letting myself eat starch carbs, though I am allowing some fruit carbs. When I shopped, I especially looked for the smallest in plums, apples and nectarines, and only allow myself one piece a day. It is the best I can do to short circuit my emotional eating habits.
Plus not being able to cut anything, that helps as well at this time. One instance where I am really glad that I live alone. No body to cut or cook something just because I really want it.
Thank my lord for this small disguised blessing!
Hopefully this all pays off with at least a maintain this week. If I can not find somewhere to live, perhaps I can at least have that.