Sunday, June 29, 2014
Two weeks after re-dedicating myself to the SparkPeople program, and after spending quality time writing a couple of heartfelt blogs and reading a lot of other people's inspirational SparkPages, I had a relapse. I guess I got tired. My tiredness had nothing to do with food and weight--it was the result of my work and family schedule--but I soon turned the issue, as I usually do, into food and weight, rewarding myself for a "job well done" with something that would cancel out my feeling of accomplishment--enough potato chips and ice cream for a kid's birthday party.
Then, feeling that I would most likely never succeed at overcoming this problem I've had since childhood, I deleted my first two SparkPage blogs! But just as soon as I had pressed "delete," I regretted doing it. While writing those blogs, I had thought hard about what I wanted to say. I had told part of my story, not only because it's natural to want to share your thoughts and experiences with other people (notice how small children are always saying "Look! Watch me!"), but also because writing down your story helps you understand it, and understanding how you got to where you are and why you want to get to somewhere new will certainly empower you to achieve that goal. I remember what I wrote about--that I restarted this battle after being overly distracted in a recent interview by the fact that my blouse was gaping because it was so tight that the buttons were about to pop off, and, secondly, that my weight and eating problems can be attributed not only to emotional or environmental issues but also (probably) to my chemical make-up, because my twin sister (not identical), who was born fourteen minutes after me and raised in the same house by the same parents in the same way, doesn't have this problem. But I can't know exactly what I said in those two blogs because on a destructive impulse, I pushed "Delete Blog Entry" for both blogs and would have deleted my entire presence from the Spark Community if I had seen anything at that moment that said, "Delete SparkPage."
I'm glad I changed my mind and came back, and it's okay that I deleted my previous posts, because what I know and briefly forgot is that it is fine to make mistakes and to change your mind. I have been thin, I have been overweight, I have been very overweight, and now I have crossed the line into obese. At every step of the way on this weight journey--ever since I was five years old and sneaking bread from the kitchen, in fact--I have wanted to push "Delete," all because of shame, fear, fatigue, alienation, bitterness, negligence, apathy, or even a feeling of false superiority. All these bad feelings will surely come again, but they are fading in intensity as I get older and wiser and more humble. It helps to look at other people's blogs and see how those people do not give up hope, how they take pleasure in the small things in their daily lives, how they soldier through the hard times, how they make progress with their weight and personal problems, and how they don't seem to have tantrums and delete themselves into oblivion. What I've learned is that I should not "self-delete" just because I'm tired and feeling unrewarded. I should remember that tomorrow is another day and another chance. I feel so blessed that more chances keep coming, and it's never too late to keep trying.