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    BUTTONPOPPER1   44,354
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Self-Deleting Behavior

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Sunday, June 29, 2014

Two weeks after re-dedicating myself to the SparkPeople program, and after spending quality time writing a couple of heartfelt blogs and reading a lot of other people's inspirational SparkPages, I had a relapse. I guess I got tired. My tiredness had nothing to do with food and weight--it was the result of my work and family schedule--but I soon turned the issue, as I usually do, into food and weight, rewarding myself for a "job well done" with something that would cancel out my feeling of accomplishment--enough potato chips and ice cream for a kid's birthday party.

Then, feeling that I would most likely never succeed at overcoming this problem I've had since childhood, I deleted my first two SparkPage blogs! But just as soon as I had pressed "delete," I regretted doing it. While writing those blogs, I had thought hard about what I wanted to say. I had told part of my story, not only because it's natural to want to share your thoughts and experiences with other people (notice how small children are always saying "Look! Watch me!"), but also because writing down your story helps you understand it, and understanding how you got to where you are and why you want to get to somewhere new will certainly empower you to achieve that goal. I remember what I wrote about--that I restarted this battle after being overly distracted in a recent interview by the fact that my blouse was gaping because it was so tight that the buttons were about to pop off, and, secondly, that my weight and eating problems can be attributed not only to emotional or environmental issues but also (probably) to my chemical make-up, because my twin sister (not identical), who was born fourteen minutes after me and raised in the same house by the same parents in the same way, doesn't have this problem. But I can't know exactly what I said in those two blogs because on a destructive impulse, I pushed "Delete Blog Entry" for both blogs and would have deleted my entire presence from the Spark Community if I had seen anything at that moment that said, "Delete SparkPage."

I'm glad I changed my mind and came back, and it's okay that I deleted my previous posts, because what I know and briefly forgot is that it is fine to make mistakes and to change your mind. I have been thin, I have been overweight, I have been very overweight, and now I have crossed the line into obese. At every step of the way on this weight journey--ever since I was five years old and sneaking bread from the kitchen, in fact--I have wanted to push "Delete," all because of shame, fear, fatigue, alienation, bitterness, negligence, apathy, or even a feeling of false superiority. All these bad feelings will surely come again, but they are fading in intensity as I get older and wiser and more humble. It helps to look at other people's blogs and see how those people do not give up hope, how they take pleasure in the small things in their daily lives, how they soldier through the hard times, how they make progress with their weight and personal problems, and how they don't seem to have tantrums and delete themselves into oblivion. What I've learned is that I should not "self-delete" just because I'm tired and feeling unrewarded. I should remember that tomorrow is another day and another chance. I feel so blessed that more chances keep coming, and it's never too late to keep trying.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
AUNA_CALM 3/29/2015 7:22PM

    Tomorrow is a new day! emoticon It's a fresh slate, and you can redo the things you may have done the day before wrong. emoticon I'm sorry that you felt like deleting things, but very glad that you decided to stay! Sometimes I have that impulse too, about my writing. In fact, it's usually for the best if I don't even look at it. It makes me feel all weird inside to read my writing. But it does help me sort things out while I am in the middle of writing it. Maybe you felt the blogs were too personal? I hope that you feel more comfortable with keeping blogs up, because you are such a good writer! emoticon

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BEMUSED2 2/19/2015 1:04PM

    I've decided to go back and read all your blogs in sequence. This one is very poignant in its vulnerability. It takes courage to reveal yourself, not only to strangers, but primarily to yourself. I spent a lot of years in denial about my changing body and mentality, and was in denial about my denial. I found myself hiding from myself, and it wasn't until health issues forced me to deal with reality that I started to recognize where I was and what I needed to do. How right you are that putting things into words helps us to understand ourselves, and that self-deleting is a tool of denial that makes it harder for us to accept and move forward.

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    Self - deleting is such a good term for a lot of these issues a lot of us have. Thanks for putting into words what a lot of us feel. I too have a twin sister (identical) and she shares the same issues as I do but doesn't seem to want to (or haven't figured out how yet) help herself and it's hard to watch. I feel like I was heading in the same direction but finally took some control and hope I can keep it up. But I feel kind of guilty that I'm moving in the right direction and she's not. It's so hard when you have a twin.

Comment edited on: 7/20/2014 3:38:37 PM

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    I cannot believe what you just shared. I did the exact same thing. I wrote my first blog and was very open about so much. Then I deleted it and regretted it immediately. I now realize that there are no rights or wrongs in blogging. People can read it or not read it. Respond or not respond. The most important thing is that we are able to take things off our mind. We are able to free of ourselves from the overload of thoughts and feelings that have been stored inside for so long. Welcome back to sp! Don't you dare leave!

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CC13GRAMMY 7/8/2014 1:02PM

    All I can say is wow you said what I've been thinking for a long time just didn't know how to put it. Thank you

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GINIEMIE 7/8/2014 7:22AM

    I'm glad you did not find a button to self delete, you are too important to the SP family for that. We all share, some of us more than others. I know that sometimes I'm out there with my issues with Erik, I feel a freedom here at SP, we don't judge each other. We try to help each other with things we've learned. What you have to say, have said is no less important than what any of us have tried to say, and most of what we say helps others see themselves in some of our battles. We are all here for the same purpose, to become healthier, happier and to get/give support.
You are worth the effort to keep going, and if you want a fresh page maybe that's what you needed.
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IRON_RESOLVE 7/8/2014 12:36AM

    You wrote the way I think many of us feel. We know if we're honest, we may feel we are oversharing. And then once our words are out there, we may wish we hadn't shared so much.
The thing I have discovered here on Spark, is that those who are able to open up and share, end up really reaching their goals.
So that is part of my new plan. To really put myself out there, and shake things up, and make change happen.
Thanks so much for writing this blog. It speaks volumes, for so many

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KANOE10 7/7/2014 8:59AM

    That was excellent insight. I am so glad you are here on Spark. It is never too late to keep trying. There is always a new day ahead to get back on track.

Being tired and feeling unrewarded is definitely a vulnerable time. That is good that you identify those feelings and acknowledge them.


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JULS_MARIE 7/3/2014 8:21PM

    I am so glad you did not find a delete button for your page! Trust me, you're in the right place to overcome.

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ROXYCARIN 7/3/2014 12:55AM


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JUST_TERE 7/2/2014 10:30AM

    I think if you self-delete things that you've written but no longer wish to share is actually healthy. It's like writing a letter to someone who has made you very angry, keeping it for a week and then deciding to mail it. Sometimes you do, most times your anger is past and you can tear up the letter. Granted, you did it very quickly, but don't beat yourself up over it. You got your feelings down, YOU know what you said (you said this yourself) and if you don't wish to share it, that's YOUR choice! While YOU may feel that it was a bad one, I certainly don't. I write a lot of stuff that I tear up later.

As long as that is the only choice you made that you feel is bad, focus on THAT and not on others -- i.e., your weight. Your weight is not going to go away easily, your tearing up the blogs IS, and you will find that you can get over bad choices and put yourself back on track, as this blog shows. I hope you understand what I mean.


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JEANNIE-BEAN21 7/1/2014 4:51AM

    I know exactly what you mean about tiredness with family and work schedules. I work a 7 on 7 off night shift, and after my rotation I have this feeling of "celebrate" !!! Which always translates into eating and drinking fun stuff in excess. This is my BIG BAD habit I have to break.

Thank you for sharing, I would like to add you as a friend ! emoticon

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ANGELCITYGAL 6/29/2014 10:19PM

    Self-deleting is part of the pattern that leaves us feeling so empty inside that we use food for comfort. You're on to something here. Thanks for sharing this. emoticon

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