Wednesday, June 25, 2014
i went golfing this weekend. i haven't been golfing in over 2 years, since before dd was born. i have avoided it because, you know, it's expensive and i don't have time. in reality i have avoided this and many other activities because my fat roll might show when i swing the club or other things that may make the hem of my shirt raise a bit.
dh asked if i wanted to do a golf tournament that his work was involved with. i said yes without giving myself time to really think about it. it was a month away and i had time to lose a few more pounds. as the time got closer i lost weight, but my tummy gut still didn't want to shrink. rather than stress and ruin my day i found the longest shirt i own and decided to wear that. i "practiced" in the mirror to see how much damage would be done. luckily not much so i was able to calm down a bit.
i got to the golf course on saturday feeling a bit insecure about things. then i realized, this is fun. i've always enjoyed golfing. just have fun and don't worry about it. a few holes in we took a bathroom break and while sitting in there i realized i'm having fun, i'm not worrying about my fat hanging out or if it even was. people aren't watching me, they're watching my ball. i realized then that i had gained so much confidence. i have finally taken my life back.
how many times in the last few years have i opted out of something because i've been too insecure about my size and my appearance? how many times have i sat on the sidelines watching my friends have fun? probably more times than i want to think about.
i tend to walk around with one hand on the hem of my shirt, holding it down to keep my fat from showing. i don't have to do that so much anymore now that my clothes are getting bigger. i realized that walking like that was killing my back. i had lower back pain and my back was often stiff. i was making things worse for myself just because i was so insecure.
looking back i realized i was wearing layers and hiding behind walls to hide who i was. i was in a very dark place. getting invited to a wedding brought on a depression and anxiety of having to dress up and get out of my comfort zone of jeans, t-shirts and oversized sweatshirts. i'd have to by nice clothes and end up looking like a clown. i would hide and hope no one saw me rather than celebrate the good times with my friends and loved ones. i don't buy clothes because i don't look good in anything. in every pic of me over the last few years i'm basically wearing the same thing. i really put myself in a dark, lonely place.
escaping that trap has been liberating. i don't want to buy clothes, i still have a ton of xl clothes at home that i'm waiting to fit into properly. my work clothes are plus size because of my gut, but every week they fit better and better. but for the first time in a long time i'm looking forward to buying clothes. i'm looking forward to my old clothes fitting again. i'm looking forward to wearing something besides a t-shirt. i'm looking forward to feeling feminine again.