Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I'm a kilogram heavier. There's no denying it now, especially as the Maintenance Challenge has my average quite firmly set there. I'm still within my weight range, but, I think it is now time for the reality check.
I say this because last night as I was tracking my food I was not happy with the numbers and instead of accepting them, I found myself denying them. I knew that my morning portion of milk was more than one glass, but I didn't put down two glasses, I left it at one so that my calorie intake would look less!! I saw that my dinner intake was over 1000 calories, so I started playing with the numbers - I couldn't accept that it was so high!!
This morning, when I jumped on the scale, it was up again. It makes sense. My total calories yesterday was 2400, 600 more than it should have been. I don't like that. I tell myself it's salt retention, or hormonal changes. But I need to be honest now. 6 months ago my weight did not jump up and down by half a kilogram every day. It was much more stable.
This game of denial is a familiar one, and when it comes to spark people, the only person that I'm lying to is myself. Nobody else sees my daily calorie intake, nobody else looks at the scale. Perhaps I don't feel it matters enough because nobody else is looking, or because it's just a kilogram, or because right now I'd much rather eat another piece of chocolate?
But it does matter. It matters to me and my self-esteem. Sometimes the hardest thing in the weight maintenance/ weight loss journey is understanding my own self worth and looking at myself with complete honesty in the mirror, or as in this particular case, when filling in my calorie tracker.
I need to be honest. Healthy weight maintenance is about what I eat, and although I've managed to maintain my exercise regimen since moving to Ireland, I've not been as disciplined with my food intake. I've struggled to resist the sweet treats and I've told myself it's okay because it helps me to feel better. No, I'm not eating an entire box of biscuits or chocolates like I did three years ago, but I am turning to it and then not acknowledging just how much food I'm eating later on. I'm denying the struggle, pretending it's not there.
So I'm getting back on the wagon. Humbly. Honestly.