Monday, June 23, 2014
a mental health day?
a yoga and spa session?
an eat-pray-love find my soul type getaway?
I've been feeling down lately. Like break down. melt down. quarter life crisis. I can't even exactly pin point what it is, which is almost more frustrating than feeling this way.
I get so caught up in the misery of the daily grind--is this all there is to life? I'm not meal planning. I can't bring myself to do much of anything in evenings, especially if I do work out. I resent that my daily life is work, workout, sleep (badly, at that). I'm not working out as hard as I should so I don't think my endorphins are kicking in enough to curb my anxiety. I'm not rested. I can't function without coffee in the morning. I'm not motivated. Last night the tension pain in my neck and shoulders was so bad I barely slept. I don't sleep well normally but it was especially bad.
My job, which I was once excited about because it directly uses my degree (which was important to me) and I was on a career track, has been in the decline. My supervisor has already told me I won't get my final promotion (which is completely unethical and maybe unlawful to tell me that months out, which means you're not basing the decision on my performance...but that's a whole other rant) and my management in general treats us like children. They drastically reduced our telework for no reason. She gets upset bc we wear capris (dress capris) to work. She thinks none of us actually work when we do telework. She is complete idiot, really, I have had to show her how to send emails and format Word documents before. I'm feeling under appreciated and its not good to feel like your supervisor doesn't feel like you do anything (when teleworking, or in general) the only reason I don't take it too personally is because she feels that way about her whole team. She just can't manage her employees. So yeah, the level of frustration I have is really getting to me.
I'm just extra down b/c this past weekend posted all over facebook was a couple of our graduate school friends getting married. So it felt like a double whammy--1) that this couple had been together less than my bf and I and are now married, and 2) we were like the only people from graduate school who were not invited, so that kind of hurt, and highlighted the fact that yet again, I feel like I have no friends.
And then of course there's the never ending struggle with my body. I haven't been able to lose any weight and I am still down only 5 lbs from my starting and a full 7lbs up from my lowest. But I can't get motivation to eat less and track, so what can I expect?
My birthday and my anniversary with my bf came and went recently and I'm now a year older and we are another year more together and nothing's changed. I know that sounds ungrateful. I just don't know what to do with my life, or what I'm expecting out of it. I know I should be grateful, and on paper, I am doing well, I have a good job, I'm able to pay my bills and enjoy the expensive area I live in, I love my kitty and I have a wonderful committed boyfriend. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the mundane and fantasize about leaving everything behind and traveling the world...you know? *sigh*