Sunday, June 22, 2014
I just found out a co-worker of mine passed away today. I knew who she was, but we didn't "know each other." It still just comes as such a shock. She was the one I subbed for on Thursday. She was going in to have surgery on some lumps they found in her chest. Then that morning, she was walking down the hall at the hospital and fell to the floor. She'd had a brain aneurysm. She'd had a couple of surgeries since then to try and reduce swelling in her brain...but she didn't make it. I'm just stunned. Her last Facebook post was on Wednesday night, asking for prayers because of the surgery she was having the next day -- the day I subbed for her. Now she's gone. Holy cow. It's hard to wrap my head around this. Sometimes it seems like we will never get out of these difficult situations we find ourselves in, yet at other times, life just seems so unfairly fleeting. She had a husband and kids. I'm not a religious person by any means...I understand death is a part of life...but it just scares the hell out of me. Being gone. Leaving loved ones behind. Ceasing to exist. I've been thinking about death a lot lately, at the risk of sounding incredibly morbid. I guess I've just been realizing how quick life is, and how precious each one of us are. I get so scared because I know I only have a certain number of days on this Earth, and it worries me to death about all the time I waste, all the things I should be doing or not doing. What if something happens to someone in my family, and I will regret all the hours I've spent in front of the computer or TV for the rest of my life, because I can never get that time back. It...it sends me into a sort of panic. My brain can't handle it, and I don't know whether I need to speed myself up, or slow down. Should I try to cram every single possible moment of my life with important things? Should I put the brakes on and slow things way, way down, and just take pleasure in things being quiet and simple and slow? Am I really showing my family and friends that I care about them? Am I living my life too much or not enough? So many questions. I don't have an answer to any of them. I'm just...terrified of it all.
I guess lately I've just become incredibly, painfully aware of my own mortality. It really hit me hard a few weeks ago, and I just haven't been able to shake it. I don't know if it's even normal or not...but it's something I think about all the time.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I wish I had health insurance. I wish I could afford to go to a psychiatrist or something. Sometimes I just feel like I'm losing my mind.