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    HEALTHYNCGAL   9,957
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Death.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

I just found out a co-worker of mine passed away today. I knew who she was, but we didn't "know each other." It still just comes as such a shock. She was the one I subbed for on Thursday. She was going in to have surgery on some lumps they found in her chest. Then that morning, she was walking down the hall at the hospital and fell to the floor. She'd had a brain aneurysm. She'd had a couple of surgeries since then to try and reduce swelling in her brain...but she didn't make it. I'm just stunned. Her last Facebook post was on Wednesday night, asking for prayers because of the surgery she was having the next day -- the day I subbed for her. Now she's gone. Holy cow. It's hard to wrap my head around this. Sometimes it seems like we will never get out of these difficult situations we find ourselves in, yet at other times, life just seems so unfairly fleeting. She had a husband and kids. I'm not a religious person by any means...I understand death is a part of life...but it just scares the hell out of me. Being gone. Leaving loved ones behind. Ceasing to exist. I've been thinking about death a lot lately, at the risk of sounding incredibly morbid. I guess I've just been realizing how quick life is, and how precious each one of us are. I get so scared because I know I only have a certain number of days on this Earth, and it worries me to death about all the time I waste, all the things I should be doing or not doing. What if something happens to someone in my family, and I will regret all the hours I've spent in front of the computer or TV for the rest of my life, because I can never get that time back. It...it sends me into a sort of panic. My brain can't handle it, and I don't know whether I need to speed myself up, or slow down. Should I try to cram every single possible moment of my life with important things? Should I put the brakes on and slow things way, way down, and just take pleasure in things being quiet and simple and slow? Am I really showing my family and friends that I care about them? Am I living my life too much or not enough? So many questions. I don't have an answer to any of them. I'm just...terrified of it all.

I guess lately I've just become incredibly, painfully aware of my own mortality. It really hit me hard a few weeks ago, and I just haven't been able to shake it. I don't know if it's even normal or not...but it's something I think about all the time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I wish I had health insurance. I wish I could afford to go to a psychiatrist or something. Sometimes I just feel like I'm losing my mind.
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MTNGRL 6/23/2014 11:33AM

    My SIL had a massive brain aneurysm and was gone right after they got to the hospital. Too young at 62. Really shakes you up when something like this happens. I stayed by her bed side while the arrangements for organ donation were made as my brother and their daughters tried to make sense of this. You can't.
You can't live your life in fear and worry either, it will rob you of any joy.
Do your best to show the ones you love that you do and try to make every day count.

I've been struggling with this from the time my father died suddenly, then my mom, FIL and finally my first husband who died right in front of us. So many sudden deaths, really wakes you up to what is important in life. It isn't things that is for sure.

How did I get through this? Faith, the only thing that held me together. The older I get the less time I have here on so I just try to make each day count, enjoy the little pleasures, pester my children each day with a text, thank my hubby for mundane things, send a note to good friends, compliment a stranger and be thankful for what I have. If people around you know that you love them you have given them a gift.

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PATTYKLAVER 6/23/2014 8:18AM

    Death shakes many of us to our very core - even those of us who are religious. Live the life that YOU want to live. Sometimes it may be crammed with many activities, sometimes it may be quiet.

I know what it's like to not have insurance. I learned quickly to check with the local health department. Mine has a lot available to me and has a sliding scale payment program. Often times local churches have programs available, too, but I guess that would depend on how comfortable you are approaching them.

I wish for you the best.

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BILL60 6/23/2014 7:55AM

    Mortality is a very sensitive topic. I've thought about it many times and have been scared often. After a while, I think about the beautiful things in my life and disregard the negative. While I know it's there, I just don't dwell on it. This helps me to deal with the realities of our lives on earth. You hang tough and live life to its fullest.

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MJREIMERS 6/22/2014 11:28PM

    This is were my faith steps up. I am not afraid to die. Do I want to now? No, I want to see all my kids graduate from high school, go on to happy lives, find someone that will love them for them and have grandchildren, if that is their desire.

It is always hard when a death is sudden, but I'd rather have that than the five years my Dad was sick. Watching him wither away and lose what was "him" was extremely hard. It's sad either way, though.

Hang in there. emoticon



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