Monday, June 16, 2014
I have struggled with bingeing for as long as I can recall. The first time I remember bingeing I was about 8 years old. I was left alone for long hours while my mom, a single parent, worked. I was very, very lonely. I remember finding a crock of some sort of processed cheese powder/paste and taking a spoon of it. Then another. And another. Soon, the crock was empty. When my mom came home and discovered what I had done she was disappointed. At least that's the emotion my 8 year old self could name.
Many many times I've bought a large bag of some candy (peanut M&Ms come to mind) and begin eating them in the car as I was driving. By the time I got home the bag would be empty. Less than a year ago I remember buying a dozen cookies from Sam's, bringing them home, and eating them one by one in rapid succession, then hiding the empty container in the bottom of the trash. I felt like a drug addict. In that moment I recognized again that I have a problem.
The feeling of fullness used to give me comfort. Maybe it kept me from feeling small and powerless as a child, I don't know. I HATE that feeling now. It makes me feel small and powerless. Not small in size, but in esteem. I'm worth more than furtive food. I deserve to honor my body by feeding it properly, mindfully, and with dignity
The only way I know of to stop is to stop. So, for 100 days, I will eat with dignity. That doesn't mean no cookies. It does mean no dozen cookies eaten quickly, alone, then hidden. No one can do it for me. This is mine to handle.
I can do it! One day at a time for 100 days.
That is my pledge to myself.