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Late Nite Jokes

Friday, June 13, 2014

Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey. -Jimmy Fallon

A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It's part of Whole Foods' new slogan, "You'd have to be drunk to pay these prices." -Conan O'Brien

LEGO revealed that many of its executives use customized LEGO figures that resemble themselves in lieu of business cards. Which explains why their assistants always get calls asking, “Can I speak to Mr. Yellow Head, Brown Hair?” -Seth Meyers

A guy in New York is selling the world's largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn't really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce. -Jimmy Fallon

The Canadian police are hunting for three inmates who escaped from prison in Quebec using a helicopter. How do you sneak a helicopter into prison? 'Are you here to see someone? What do you got there? Is that a helicopter in your pants?' -Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won't make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she’ll travel, she said, “New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.” -Jimmy Fallon

Scientists have developed a robot that can converse exactly like a teenager. When the scientists unveiled the robot, it screamed "I hate you" and slammed the door to its room. -Conan O'Brien

There is a new study involving rats. It turns out that rats actually can understand the feeling of regret. Thank God we got to the bottom of that. -David Letterman

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president “by the end of the year.” Specifically, the year 1998. -Seth Meyers

I can’t believe how hot it got during that game. It was so hot that even the LOSING team dumped Gatorade on its coach. -Jimmy Fallon

Last night was Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs. The air conditioning stopped working during the game, which made it feel like 90 degrees inside. Or as football players, baseball players, tennis players, soccer players, and runners put it, “Must be rough.” -Jimmy Fallon

The new Tom Cruise movie opens today. It's called "Edge of Tomorrow." Tom Cruise is an intergalactic warrior fighting to save our planet from aliens. I have no idea who he plays in the movie. -Craig Ferguson

Today's a great day for Sweden. It's their "National Day." It's the day Sweden celebrates independence from Denmark. Sweden's about 400 miles from Russia. That means they've still got a few years before Putin gets to them. -Craig Ferguson

Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn't mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest." -Conan O'Brien
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