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    HEALTHYNCGAL   9,957
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Broken promises. Laziness. Alone. Flat.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

I'm so frustrated. I went on an a lovely vacation with Daughter. We left Sunday morning, and we got back yesterday evening. Husband has this incredibly annoying habit of never doing anything around the house while I'm away.

Ok. Let me back that up a little bit. He has this very annoying habit of never doing anything around the house. Period. He does almost nothing around here. The only thing he does, is mow the grass every few weeks, weedeat every few months, and take out the garbage/recycling every few weeks. Yes, that is correct. Every few weeks or months he will do one of these chores...and 99 times out of 100, I have to ask him to do these things. He will almost never actually voluntarily do anything. He might put away the dishes or run the vacuum but it's only (and only) because I've asked him to do it. Then he does a half-assed, lazy job of it. I ask him to go to the grocery store and he comes back with all the wrong things, even though I've been buying the same exact crap for YEARS. It's like he just doesn't give a crap. Apparently he doesn't.

I have spent years keeping our home very clean and organized. I feel that as a member of this family, that is part of my job. It is how I feel I can really make a worthwhile contribution to my family, by keeping our home nice and tidy and presentable. Although I'm particular about how I like my home to look, I'm certainly not OCD about it.

The only thing I have ever asked Husband, is DON'T MAKE MY JOB HARDER THAN IT ALREADY IS. So...he has this really annoying habit of not doing anything around the house when I'm away. I have spend probably thousands of hours over the years, to make our home nice and neat, and in large part, I do it to say thank-you to Husband. It's important to me that he come home to a nice clean house after working hard all day. It's important that we all get to come home to a nice clean house at the end of our day. My home is my sanctuary, and I want to make it nice for ALL of us. Not just me. Not just him. Not just anyone.

I was gone for three days, and he didn't do a freaking thing around here. Last night, I noticed the trash was so piled up in our bathroom that it was falling out and onto the floor. The inside of our toilet bowl was so disgusting that there was black stuff in it. There was a layer of dog hair covering all the carpets. The floor in the kitchen was covered in dog hair and crumbs. The laundry basket was empty when I left, but it was completely full when I got home (and I've spent HOURS and done DOZENS of laundry the past several days). The a/c filter hadn't been replaced like I'd asked him to, and the vent had not been cleaned, like I asked him to. None of my houseplants had been watered. The weedeating STILL had not been done. The trash/recycling had not been taken, either. There was a layer of dust and dog hair all over all the furniture.

Last night I sarcastically said, "Gee, thanks for cleaning out the toilet bowl and emptying the garbage in there." He looked at me blankly and said, "Oh...was I supposed to do that? Did you ask me to do that?" I said, "Really? Can't you ever just DO something? Do you always have to be asked? Can you not SEE the trash piled up and falling onto the floor? Can you not SEE the dirty toilet bowl?"

Like I said, I'm not OCD about my house, and I realize that a house can only get "so bad" in three days, but good GRIEF. He CLEARLY didn't lift a g.d. finger the whole time we were gone.

So, today, just like every single other f--king time I've come back from being away, I spent time cleaning. I vacuumed, and had to empty the canister three times because there was so much dog hair in it. I dusted, washed the clothes from our trip, and swept the kitchen floor. I emptied all the stupid trash/recycling, and cleaned the dirty toilet bowl. I told Husband he needed to stop at the store on the way home and get an air filter. Then I cleaned the vent. The sad part is, is that it only took me about an hour to do everything. It wasn't like the house was a total disaster and took an entire day or two to clean. It's just that he couldn't be bothered to lift a damn finger to do anything. HE MAKES ME SO F--KING MAD!

He still has that stupid vent for the other one that goes under the house. We've had it for about a year or so. He keeps saying he'll put it in. About two weeks ago, the window on the laundry room door broke (the inside part of the window) and all he did was take out the broken glass. He hasn't gotten it replaced. There are big piles of unused lumber out in the yards on both sides of the house. He has not finished the deck. He never, ever does ANYTHING around here and it makes me so GD mad! He is the laziest person in the world! But oh buddy...when he's at work, he is the hardest worker you've ever seen. He's ALWAYS been like this. He gives everyone else 110% effort, and then I get this lazy slob who never keeps his promises to me about what he's going to do. He tells me all the time that he'll do _____, but then he never does it. Things break, and they never get fixed. The screened door has been messed up for ages, but it's never fixed. It just gets worse and worse. The broken window in the laundry room. Standard upkeep and maintenance that goes along with being a homeowner doesn't happen. Whenever he starts some project, he never finishes it. There is not one single completed project in our entire house. Not one. There are about a dozen unfinished projects. He'll do 50-80% of a project and then just quit. He feels like he's worked hard, so he'll take a break for a while. Then that break turns into forever. Literally. I finally told him he wasn't allowed to start any other projects until he finishes the unfinished ones. It took me about 5 years of begging for him to finally, FINALLY get life insurance. It also took several years for him to sign up for retirement, but when he switched jobs a few months ago, he never signed up for it again, so here we freaking go with that whole thing again.

I feel like I do my share, he should do his. He doesn't ever have to ask me to clean. He never has to ask me if I'm going to get a bill paid or if I'm going to buy groceries. He never has to ask me to make a meal. He doesn't have to ask me to do ANYTHING, because I'm all over it. I'm an adult. I don't need reminders to do the sh!t I'm SUPPOSED TO DO!!!

I've talked to him. I've told him how I feel a hundred times. I've tried in every way I can possibly think of to get my point across. He just doesn't care. To be honest, I'm at the point (again) where I just feel like if we weren't married, I'd end this relationship. It's so much more than he doesn't take out the trash, or doesn't clean to my specifications. It's that he doesn't care enough about me to do these little things that are important, and he doesn't care enough about me to keep even the simplest promises. It's the kind of thing that really makes me lose respect for him. It changes how I feel about him. I've also told him this. All he ever does is say he's sorry and he'll try harder...or he gets mad and tells me about these little piddly stupid things that he does sometimes. In the end, it does absolutely NO GOOD.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly we have? What kind of a relationship is this? Yes, we have a lot of laughs and get along really well...but it's almost like we're just best friends and that's the end of it. I can't really "count" on him, like you're supposed to be able to count on a spouse. I don't trust him to keep his promises, because he doesn't. He never puts me first. In fact, I'm dead last on his list. He doesn't "abuse" me, but he doesn't really do anything to show me he loves me, either. When you pull away the humor and the past and all we've been through...what is there? I don't know the answer to that question. And at the VERY least, you'd think maybe we'd have sex. At least that would be something. We don't even have that. Every once in a blue moon, and only if I initiate it. But I've decided I'm done with that. If I have a "need," I can take care of it myself.

I can see how people end up cheating. I'm not condoning it, or saying it's ok...I'm just saying I can see how it could happen for some people. You aren't getting what you need at home...I can see how it would be easy and tempting to gravitate towards someone who might be able to offer you what you're missing and longing for.

I texted him earlier and told him I was in a bad mood and to just leave me alone this evening. I told him that I don't want to fight so to just give me some space. I'm staying in my room and keeping myself away from everyone.

-----

Believe it or not, I just found a webpage about this...I swear I could've written this myself.

www.adhdmarriage.com/con
tent/what-do-you-do-when-y
ou-cant-rely-your-spouse
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHYNCGAL 6/12/2014 5:23PM

    I've tried going on a cleaning strike, but I just can't. I live in this house too, and so does my Daughter, so I'm going to keep it clean for ME and for HER, if for nobody else. But I agree. Sometimes the guys need to pitch in more.

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PRINCESS_SOFI 6/12/2014 4:58PM

    I used to care about my house being clean but now, unless it's my mother in law or friends for a party coming over it's not going to get cleaned. Call it a ... cleaning strike. And it worked. He started vacuuming as soon as he realized I'm a bigger slob than he is naturally. I will live in the absolute filth to get my point across. I'm not a maid and I'm not making dinner. Next was the dishes. Let that $*** pile up for 2 weeks. Don't care. Now he does it. The only thing I do now is make my own dinner and my own laundry.

I go home, make myself a drink, and relax. emoticon

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HEALTHYNCGAL 6/12/2014 4:43PM

    Thanks for the support! :)

Comment edited on: 6/12/2014 4:43:53 PM

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MJREIMERS 6/11/2014 11:35PM

    It seems like women are always more responsible for the house and family. I get frustrated, too. I've tried "going on strike," but it gets to the point that I can't stand it. I tried again recently and I'll admit, my husband is picking up the slack with the laundry. Probably because it's his clothes, too. emoticon

Do what you need to do to make you happy. Life is too short to be miserable. I'm not suggesting anything, except putting yourself and your mental health, along with your physical health, first.

I wish I could say more to help. emoticon

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UMBILICAL 6/11/2014 5:33PM

  Sounds familiar

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