Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Back from vacation. *tear*
We had a wonderful time, and I'm already having beach withdrawals. I started planning our return trip before we even left.
But vacation is over now. First day back to reality. I promised myself when I got back I would go back on Phase One...or start a juice fast...or something to help myself get back on track, since I was off track for about 2-3 weeks before I even left... I just ate cold macaroni and cheese with ranch dressing. I guess I feel like that's the food addiction rearing it's ugly head again. Sometimes what I want/crave are the weirdest, most unhealthy things. I love salad dressings on pasta. I have for as long as I can remember. Maybe some people will think that's horrible or gross, but it's what I "like."
I haven't weighed myself since I've been back. I'm too scared to. I feel like I've gained back all of the weight I lost. Realistically, I don't believe I gained back 25 pounds, but I know I've gained back some. I'm so afraid that I will weigh in over 200 again, and I don't want to see that number. And of course I don't want to now because I just ate food and had something to drink. But I guess I need to weigh in anyway...because I said I would. Because I need to know where I stand, at this point in time.
Ok. I just went and weighed myself. I'm 200.4. Not as heavy as I thought I'd be, but as heavy as I feared. I thought I'd be more, but was sure I'd be at or over 200...and I am. Not lamenting, per se, just...saying.
So at this point, since I've gained about 5 pounds, I've now lost 21.4 pounds total. I guess I need to get back on the stick with things. Ugh. All I want to do is stay in bed and pull the covers up over my head.
I feel like such a failure. Right now, I have no motivation to even do anything. I just don't feel like I have strength or energy or desire or anything. I just feel so...blah.
Great. I've let myself down. AGAIN. For the thousandth time. I knew I would. I'm just going on history. I constantly let myself down. I constantly screw this up, no matter how many times I start over. Every. Single. Time. Why do I keep bothering? I don't think I can do this. I just don't think I can.