Thursday, June 05, 2014
This morning when I was getting ready I started to think about writing this blog because of how my day went yesterday. What popped into my head was this question, “how often is what you are feeling really hunger?” I answered myself almost immediately: “almost never”. So I thought I would share a tale from Sandy’s Mountain of Emotional Eating.
Alas, what I was feeling yesterday was not a feeling unfamiliar to me; it was the feeling of a hole, a chasm so deep, it does not feel like it can ever be filled. The day started like any other day; I got up early because it was an exercise before work day. I was feeling pretty good. I wrote in my journal, got ready, that kind of stuff. I was feeling good about my body after exercising, until I put my pants on. They were tight. I tried to stretch them, telling myself the old stand byes; they were just washed, maybe they shrunk oldies but still goodies, right? I wore them anyways, thinking they would stretch as the day wore on. I got to work and it was a normal day but things are quiet right now but quiet more so because something is happening within the organization which I am not privy to and has me concerned. I have been around the block a time or two and when things get hush hush and you do payroll projects you know something is going on. I am concerned but am trying to think positive. Being on the outside, always plays to my insecurities, because I feel like I am not good enough to be included, like just because of my position here, I am not included in what is going on until I get my walking papers, which has happened before. That being said, I plugged through the day, but those tight pants weren't stretching and I was feeling those dreaded “I am fat” feelings, like if I just stuck to my calories this wouldn't be happening, get it together women!! Add insult to injury, I was also feeling out of sort because I had not talked to my son in a while and I called him the day before yesterday, and he didn't answer, but texted me later to say he was busy and he would call me the next day. That got me feeling sad and lonely, leading me to feelings of I am just not important to him, yeah, sure he will call me tomorrow, I have heard that before. Whoa as me. Come around 3:00pm yesterday the tight pants, the work drama, the lonely feeling had that all too familiar feeling of a pit of endless hunger. How do you deal with a hunger feeling that really isn't hunger? Can you see where this is going? Straight to the candy dish on my desk. Well, at least it started out that way. I kept asking myself, what is the deal, why are you so hungry? Then I was like screw it, just eat, that is what you want to do right?” “I mean if I am hungry, I should eat.” So, I finished the pretzels I was eating, then I got some nuts, then I had a piece of candy, and then just as I was reaching for another piece of candy, I said to myself, “STOP! What is this really about? Are you really hunger? “ I put the candy down and said, “what is really bothering you”? You see I am writing this the next day, when the day is over and I had time to think about it. But I let it build up all day not wanting to admit that I was feeling lonely, mad that my pants were tight and worried about probably an imaginary problem at my job. So, when you feel familiar feeling, isn't just natural to do familiar things? Eating the pain away for me is the natural thing. But I don’t want to do that anymore. Putting the candy down was the first step. After my day was done, I went home and chilled (with a glass of wine, baby steps); I didn't order the pizza or go through the drive through. I said, just sit here and think about what is going on, deal with the feeling, telling myself to relax. Then what do you think happened? The phone rang, and it was my son, and I had a wonderful conversation with him. Then time had passed and I didn't need to make the big pasta dinner I was planning on (because that is better than the drive through, yeah, right). I reached for something smaller and didn't need any more wine. Yes, I did not stay in my calorie range yesterday but it could have been so much worse. If I had not stopped myself and said those simple words “what is really wrong” and told myself “you know this is not hunger you are feeling, if you don’t figure out what is really going on this endless spiral will continue”. And that is the crux of my tale; I am ready to get of the spiral. I have been on it for about 40 years. I know I am not there yet but each day that I can recognize my feelings, walk away from the candy jar and actually tell myself to feel the feeling, then I am that much closer to my happy ending.