Wednesday, June 04, 2014
~If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing...AA page 76
Praying for willingness today...Willingness to change a pattern of comforting myself that in the beginning helped me survive what was going on in my life but over time took over my life.
As a child I did not overeat. I had issues with digestion and when I got full you could not make me put another bite down the hatch.
I used to toss stuff to my dog under the table, bribe my younger sister to eat my portion for me, spit the food in my napkin, excuse myself to the bathroom and spit it out in the toilet, take my disgusting deviled-ham sandwich on month-old roman meal bread and toss it into the empty lot next to the house when I got off the bus...my mom was not the best chef.
Over time that changed...and by the time I had my daughter at age 18 food became my comforter. Food is the good girl's drug of choice...you don't get in trouble if you have to much to eat and then get into a vehicle and drive it down the street. Food doesn't make you wreak of cigarette smoke. Food is a socially acceptable addiction.
I am 41 years old. I have been to battle everyday since I was in my early 20's with this food thing. I am tired. It is a draining cycle.
Humorously enough...with my digestive issues as a youngster my nickname from my father was skinny minnie. I am the overweight one in my family of origin now. My oldest sister struggled with binge-eating after our father's death when she was 15 but she now exercises the heck out of herself and is a healthy weight. My younger sister struggled with binge eating but has utilized diet drugs to the point of erasing intelligence from her brain...looks very pretty but there is nothing left upstairs. My brother had some issues with being overweight for sometime but he is now very active and outdoorsy and is a healthy weight. I was 145 pounds in 2008. I am not that weight any longer.
So, today...God...I pray for the willingness to let you take this part of me over...this addiction that I do not want to let go of because what will I turn to if I do not turn to the food. I need your guidance today...I am tired of eating beyond full, I am tired of large clothing and back aches. I am exhausted because I wake up in the middle of the night with a need to feed...but in reality I am not hungry...there is something much deeper that I am longing for.
I surrender to your will for me Abba: June 4, 2014