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Late Nite funnees

Monday, June 02, 2014

The L.A. Clippers have been sold. Yes, I also don't really care. Everyone is like, "Oh, OK." The Clippers have been sold for $2 billion. That got your attention. -Craig Ferguson

Donald Sterling paid only $12 million to buy the Clippers. This deal is very uncomfortable for the former owner because it puts him in the black. -Craig Ferguson

President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office." And the president said, "I know. I listened in." -Craig Ferguson

A lot of people in Washington were shocked by this Obama-Hillary meeting. I'm not sure about Nancy Pelosi. She looks shocked all the time. -Craig Ferguson

The mayor of New York has overturned the city's ban on ferrets. I didn't know you could ban ferrets. I've been going New York illegally taking my ferrets with me, I suppose. The mayor says he's trying to bring the hairy little weasels out of the shadows. -Craig Ferguson

In a new documentary, Robert DeNiro reveals his father was gay. He realized it after he asked his dad what his favorite part of "New York, New York" was. And his dad went "Li-iiiiiiiza!" -Craig Ferguson

Casinos in Las Vegas are now taking bets on when Kim and Kanye will divorce. I think that is outrageous. It's terrible. But if I were betting man, I'd put 20 bucks on "fall sweeps." -Craig Ferguson

Guys from the band One Direction were caught on video smoking pot. Sounds like the one direction they're going is straight to Bieber-ville. -Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for Kim and Kanye. To them I'd like to say, "Congratulations on your wedding unless this is a rerun, in which case my condolences on your divorce." -Craig Ferguson

They got married in Florence. The name Florence holds special meaning for Kim because it's the name that Bruce Jenner goes by. -Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to the remarkable Jessie White. She's a woman from Maine who just graduated college, and she's 99 years old. I said she's 99, so cheer a little bit louder, everybody. -Craig Ferguson

Jessie White was asked what she was going to wear to her first job interview. She said "Depends." -Craig Ferguson
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